It came up over drinks on an empty stomach, so I’m not entirely sure how it came up. But, it did. And now the conversation will get this blog banned from more work places across America. Thank you Websense…
“Yeah, my friend just broke up with his girlfriend because she wouldn’t go down on him.”
“Really?” I wasn’t sure which part I was objecting to, the fact that he broke up over it or the fact that she wouldn’t do it.
“Yeah, for a while he thought it was going to get better. He thought she was feeling experimental.” He made curly quotes in the air with his fingers while saying experimental.
“Well did he talk to her about it?”
“I don’t know.” Men never ask the right questions. How could you not ask that? “I mean, he asked me what he should do. Like should he just shove her head down there, or just sit back and put his hands behind his head waiting, hoping.”
“So what did you tell him?”
“Actually, I didn’t give him advice. I stuck with commiseration, did the ‘tough call, buddy’ kinda thing. Why? What should I have said? Should he have had a sit down talk with her?”
“Ew, God no. There is nothing more offputting than a talk about needs when your clothes are still on. God, it reminds me of when my parents took me out to a fancy dinner when I was twelve to talk about condoms. Do we have to do this here? Jesus.”
“So what should he have done?”
I thought for a moment before responding, “Well, had he gone down on her before?”
“How could you not ask that? I swear, you’re all basically useless when it comes to communication. Yeah, sit back and grunt and your luck will change.”
“Well what does that have to do with anything?”
“Listen, a woman isn’t going to go down on the guy unless he goes down on her first. It’s like saying ‘I love you,’ he has to say it first. It’s the same damn thing.” That was their problem.
“Okay, let’s just assume he had gone down on her several times, and she still wouldn’t reciprocate. Then what should he do?”
“He should play her some porn and suggest they follow along. If she gets squeamish about that, then clearly his needs would never be met. Or maybe, if she protests that much it has something to do with some bj trauma. Maybe he should reassure her when he thinks he’s going to—“
“Well, that’s just etiquette. I mean that’s like opening doors.”
“Yeah, I know, but maybe she had it bad in the past. Maybe some guy choked her and she vomited or something.” We both made a face like we smelled it. “I need another drink.”
“I need a blow job.”