starwars: a female perspective

In ALL, MOVIES by Stephanie Klein50 Comments

For starters, Padme stands for "pedicure manicure."  It’s so Yoda to say it all backwards, but that’s just what it means.  And, while I’m on the subject, that Natalie Portman, the woman who played Padme, was flat.  I’m not talking breasts; I’m talking delivery.  Though, really, is that her fault?  While her hair styles were versatile–hello, perfectly separated curls are no small feat when in the prior scene, her hair is ensconced behind hardware, and falls in smooth sections, like prep school girls on their first day of class—her script was two-dimensional.  The woman had a lot to deal with.  She wasn’t just losing her man to another woman with dark hair.  She was losing him to the ever-illusive "dark side."  Add a heap of hormones; cough up pregnancy, and really, who’s going to be rational?  Clearly the writers weren’t women.  Lucas could have benefited from a facial and a mani-pedi, got down with his fem side. 

There’s a scene where Portman has perfectly defined ringlets, and she’s holding a bigass brush, a la Maison Pierson, swooning about her future, the sky wound with scarlet ribbons of cloud behind her.  Every woman with curls knows, when your hair is dry, you don’t even say the word "brush," threatened by even the "idea" of frizz.  Yet there’s Padme, stroking her curls with a paddled brush.  Yeah, okay, make the droids rotate 4 light sabers at once.  Totally believable.  Put a brush in the hand of a curly headed woman, and we know you’re full of shite. 

Never mind the unbelievable fight scenes between a squawking iguana and a droid king.  Lucas ought to have devoted his time to airbrushing out Portman’s facial flaws.  Under the fluorescent lights of birth, our princess needed a serious deep-pore cleanse.  She needed a StarWars Facial. I mean, really, she has a daughter titled, Princess Leah, who lives with a senator… and why is she named "Princess" Leah if no one knows who her mother is?  Yeah, exactly, it’s all about the skin.  Lucas, get on that shite, will ya?  Call that shite Pearl Cream.  Add an accent, add an 800 number, a Web site, and you’re onto something.  Sure, make it Royal Pearl Cream.  May the force be with you.

Episode III might as well have been Brigit Jones Diary in space.  It was a major chick flick.  Don’t buy it?  First off, there were a LOT of sunsets.  Okay, beyond that, and the lovely architecture, all Yoda does is talk about breaking up.  We see the Wookies purring, missing their big bad Yoda.  Sad break up.  When young Anakin confides in Master Yoda about his dreams, Yoda tells him to "Let it go."  Excuse me, that’s my line.  "You need to stop controlling that which you want to control.  Train yourself to let go of that which you want to hold, you must."  He might as well have begun to belt out a Bonnie Rait tune:  "Make you love me, I can’t;  Make your heart feel something it won’t, you can’t" during the serenity prayer of an AA meeting.

Then, the ultimate chick flick addition: our boy, Anakin, was way hotter as the unattainable, unavailable, badass, caped in black with bedroom eyes. Issues?  Oh yeah.  And guess what baby?  I’m here to help, lend an ear or a heaving bosom.  I’m all about you because you treat me like shite, throw my pregnant ass down, and I’m giving up my power in the senate all for you and your bedroom eyes.  Ooooh, you poor torn soul.  Let me suck it.  Anakin was a man who said "cokc" in bed.  Never mind the good, rule-abiding Jedi pusssy, bring on the badass who tosses us around for good measure (and let’s not mention the lunacy that was Yoda, bouncing around like a pinball.  The dude is an elder, which means less light saber and more mojo.  Less flash, more fierce.)  How much hotter did Anakin look as Vader (pre lava lamp)?  Don’t get me wrong, I actually became anxious, wondering, shite, what’s going on in MY life that’s making ME nervous?  Breathe.  Go on, breathe.  There has to be something.  It can’t be just about this movie.  It wasn’t.  I saw every badass I was attracted to in the conflicted Anakin.  I wanted to be the one to convince him to turn it all around, to come to his senses and choose the Jedi way, selflessness, and common good.  Guess what, welcome to the life of every woman who meets an unavailable man.  She wants to take on the challenge of convincing him to suddenly become emotional and sensitive.  She wants to convert funnel cake into celery.  Yeah, Portman, get in line girl.  Been there, learned that.  While you’re waiting, get a facial and a decent retouching staff.

Comments

  1. ouch…burn. poor padme… I agree she was flat in this one. remember in episode II where she was kicking ass with her carefully torn up shirt that revealed her taut abs? I don't know, she was still a caricature of what a bad ass woman should be. blah blah, who was watching her anyway…anakin/darth vader was thigh warmingly delicious. i think it was all about the brooding. I love a man with issues… I just can't help myself. :)

  2. That was very, very funny. I had my doubts, but now I'm sure you could take the bitches in the stripclub no problem after that rant.

  3. Despite the fact that I couldn't care less about Star Wars, I take issue with your assessment of Natalie Portman's appearance. She is naturally and stunningly beautiful. If she needs a facial, well… I'm not touching that setup line with a 10 ft pole!

  4. Hello? Those pores were so huge you could have flown the Millennium Falcon into them.

  5. Crap. Now I have to sit in a theatre with a bunch of 40 year old male virgins just so I can see Portman's pores.

  6. Your female perspective seems a lot shorter than some other people's 6 page diatribes, and a lot more insightful and fun to read. Good job!

  7. This is a really good post. I think you should write more reviews for us to read.

  8. Julie, you're a jackass. I have met Ms. Portman several times. I adore her. She was wonderful in Closer, Garden State, The Professional, Beautiful Girls, etc. She's a lump of sugar. But it's an industry. Lucas should have changed the lighting, done anything to make our girl look like a princess not a pore.

  9. I agree on the Mani-Pedi – Just think of yourself in that situation- you might act just like Padame if you were there. Snicker, Snicker.

    All men have issues (like Anakin) – it doesn't matter if they are in the movies or not. LOL.

  10. Amen. The problem with Natalie Portman is that she has absolutely no consistency. I think she was flat in all three Star Wars movies…but she kicked ass in movies like Closer and Garden State. But then again…if someone told me I had to play the part of an imaginary outer-space princess, I might have trouble pullin' it out, too.

  11. I thought you had been into the glue and spray paint again, but you really drove home a point at the end. From a guys perspective, I just thought the Padme/Anakin scenes were too cheesy to be in the movie. I was all, "when is he going to stop hugging her and cut her in half with his light-saber?" Yes, you may Freud the hell out of that last sentence.

  12. To the above comment:

    Ever heard of the term "tongue in cheek"? I think that Ms. Klein had it in mind when she wrote this.

    Duh.

    But at least you got the chance to name drop, so the comment wasn't a total loss.

  13. ok, first of all, i went to school with ms. natalie portman and despite her so-called-sweetness she was a complete poser. yes, she does seem quite the sophisticate doesn't she? well, her childish ineloquence should be a good sign that despite her "ivy-league education" she's still naive and ignorant and putting on false pretenses. i hate how hollywood makes such a big deal about her harvard degree as if it was such a rare thing thus making her such the rare gem of an actress. total BS! there are tons of actors/filmmakers with ivy league degrees, who got in BEFORE they could use their namesake for admission and i don't see them getting applauded as much as she does. and can we mention that she majored in pysch? the easiest, sorryass major there is?? sorry, i know my comments are bitter and angry ones and i know that probably a dozen of you will write back and counterattack my words but whatever, i don't care. most of you don't know her and i know her pretty well to say what i said and those are my opinions so just deal with them and let me vent.

    p.s. her pores are huge. although she is very pretty. i will give her that. the body of a 12 year old with the head of a dumpster truck but still very pretty and that in hollywood is good enough, esp. when you have the harvard degree backing up your resume.

    pps. i don't always agree with steph and sometimes i think her entries are sort of arrogant and lacking but i do enjoy her posts now and then and this one, i simply love. kudos to you, steph, for always speaking your mind and being so honest about things. that's refreshing.

    ppps. girl, i heart your monogrammed slip covered chair.

  14. Ha ha ha! Stephanie, this post almost makes me want to go see this movie. Almost.

    You're amazing. You managed to make even Star Wars interesting.

  15. 2 comments:

    1. This is EXACTLY why I can't sit next to you in Sci-Fi.

    2. I will give you or Ms. Portman a "Star Wars Facial" whenever either of you get a free few minutes.

    Cock!

  16. enough about natalie, she's bald now anyway. the point is this review was hot! thanks for projecting possible scenarios for annakin in bed. i like the dark lord with the dirty talk ; ) he.

  17. I just read "The Starter Wife" by Gigi Grazer. Is she the rich woman's Stephanie Klein? Or the thin woman's Stephanie Klein?

  18. I thought Hayden Christensen (sp?) was a piece of cardboard in this movie. Special-effect cat eyes aside, the man can't act his way out of a paper bag. Were you seriously that moved by his performance?

  19. And like a midget at a urinal, Stephanie has to keep on her toes because of these comments. If you can't bag on shit on your own blog, then what the fuck?

  20. Although, when you consider how much he hated the movie … I think sitting next to you would have made it WAY more entertaining.

  21. "Put a brush in the hand of a curly headed woman, and we know you're full of shit."

    Oh god, I could just hug you. Thank you, thank you, thank you, from all the curly heads out there (and I'm sure they would agree).

  22. Nigga please, you're not thin enough or good looking enough to take a shit on portman.

  23. laura what i dont understand is why you give a fuck if someone posts with a fake email address.

  24. I'm laughing out loud. Great female perspective on the film. Can't wait to see it – as I will now be hyper aware of NP's pores now.

  25. "And like a midget at a urinal"

    Mike…love the line, can I use that without always giving reference to you?

  26. psych as a career is different from psych as a major. i wasn't dissing psych in general. i was dissing the major. psych is well known for being the least demanding major within arts with the least requirements and the easiest classes in regards to getting a's. comm is not considered arts. and plus i was a chem and poly sci double major. in the spirit of steph, space cowboy, go fuck yourself.

  27. You know what I'll never understand, Stephanie? People who comment to a blog with fake email addresses.

    *shakes head*

  28. Seriously, this amazes me. Being freshly graduated from college, I dealt with people posting anonymously and incredibly ignorant comments. It was hard for me to accept as a student, and I can't even fathom why people would do this as ADULTS.

    Seriously, what possesses you to post ignorant comments with anonymous names and email addresses? Are you that insecure? Do you have some sort of troubling past that you must try and bring others down with you? Grow up, get over it, and grow some fucking balls.

  29. I thought it was the best of the three movies, and I thought she did the best job she could have, given her very, very limited script. She said less in this movie than any other movie I've seen her in, and I thought that she did pretty well, considering.

    Plus, she was hot. I would've stuck it in her can. Hard.

  30. I thought it was the best of the three movies, and I thought she did the best job she could have, given her very, very limited script. She said less in this movie than any other movie I've seen her in, and I thought that she did pretty well, considering.

    Plus, she was hot. I would've stuck it in her can. Hard.

  31. Hey fuck you all. turning Star Wars into a chick flick is like saying that When Harry Met Sally was the action blockbuster of its time. So what if she had curly hair and a brush, big deal. What i don't get is do you actually think that Meg Ryan didn't know that it was Tom Hanks E-mailing her, it was so obvious. so instead of trying to make yourself look great to women all over the country by comparing Star Wars to the YA-YA sisterhood why dont you pop in sleepless in seattle (on VHS of course), get out your gallon of rocky road ice cream and cry your lonely self to sleep.

  32. "Plus, she was hot. I would've stuck it in her can. Hard."

    That's fantastic Jackal…thanks for sharing that with all of us.

    Anyway, I thought Star Wars III was pretty good, and I don't understand how you guys can focus on something like her pores, of all things…pores? Her pores were huge because you were probably sitting in the front row.

    Hey guys, how about checking out how good these movies did in the box office? It doesn't matter how good or bad you thought it was, how big Portman's pores were, or how bad you want to change Anikin's bad ass personality…Lucas is laughing and rolling in money right now.

  33. No One Special:

    First, I commend you for choosing a name that really fits…

    Secondly, I think that Stephanie puts herself out there for us to read and comment…if she chooses not to remain anonymous to her readers, shouldn't her readers show her the same courtesy? Especially if they are going to lob ridiculous insults at her?

  34. I haven't seen haden in life as a house but he was a family friend before he went big. I never got to really talk with him about shit much but I'm just telling you this so you know I'm not biased. Sure he may be rich with his jaguar and his movie career… But it's true. He can't act his way out of a paper bag. He got the part because he beat lucas at tennis and then played his favourite song on the piano. Great audition there buddy. I challenge everyone to check my info. It's true. Pepsibear@hotmail.com

    p.s. all we have to do is trap him in a paper bag and he's done for.

  35. I just want to remind everyone complaining about how Padme looked while filming the scene while giving birth, that she was supposed to be GIVING BIRTH. Come on everyone you've at least seen videos of women giving birth very few of them have had a recent facial, most of the ladies in that situation are sweaty, exhausted, filthy from their own body oils. If anything Lucas should have made her down a little more.

  36. you really proved that girls arent funny, less focus on skin, more focus on comedy. whore.

  37. THis movie was adequate. It was not on the level of the previous star wars movies, with its wooden acting and clumsy storytelling, but there was no Jar-Jar Binks to call attention to the lameness of the flick.
    Forget Anakin, it was Palpatine who stole the show! This boy really loves his work, I bet he gets up an hour early each day so he can enjoy being Emperorfor sixty more minutes per day! Palpatine was just plain fun.
    I though that Anakin was more human in this movie, with slightly more dimension than the simple whiny, selfish Jedi brat-kid in Attack of the Clones. This is a person who is troubled by his expectations for himself and his future, and who has not yet come to grips with the fact that the future is never as we plan it to be. I thought his capitulation to the Dark Side was a little sudden, but at least it was better than Padme's sudden reversal from "No, Anakin, we can't fall in love, you have the Jedi, I have my job, we have to do our duty, and…oh, what the hell, let's get married."
    By contrast, the love story of Leia and Han Solo was well acted, with the right amount of tension. Han's cocky assuredness, especially when he's about to be frozen in carbonite, was probably a major factor in bonding Leia to him. If "Empire Strikes Back" were filmed thirty years earlier, Homphrey Bogart would have been Han Solo and Lauren Bacall would have been Leia.
    Revenge of the Sith has assured that I will not storm Skywalker Ranch with an angry mob and burn George Lucas at the stake for heresy. But that's about it.

  38. This was a fun read–certainly a lot better than the debates as to whether Anakin's eyes changed colors in the right spots or whether a droid's…whatever. Entertaining, a fresh perspective on one aspect I guess I completely overlooked (for shame, eh), and well-done.

    Funny, but after watching the movie, I went back and watched Empire (the concensus favorite) to see if the acting was really that much better then. Mark Hamill was whiny and pathetic and most other "human" characters were as stiff as the droids. Fisher and Ford pretty much bailed 'em out. But then, considering the genre, great acting isn't exactly necessary, right? Stallone, Willis, Keanu, Diesel…not an Olivier among them.

    Oh, and to those who equate one's quality as a writer to their headshot, I've seen the pics and "I'd build her a cake."

  39. Maybe us people put fake e-mail addresses on here because we don't want some FREAKS writing us complaining about our comments. Just because Stephanie is putting herself out there, doesn't mean that everyone has to. That is her choice. That is the beauty of the internet, you can have your anonymity. It has nothing to do with insecurity or a troubling past. I would rather leave all my non-nasty and very rarely somewhat nasty comments anonymous, if you don't mind.

  40. Who cares if Natalie Portman is nice, not nice, WHO CARES! She's a good actress that I really enjoy watching. I don't know her, never met her, and probably never will. If I die before Ms. Portman, she probably will never know, and never care. She has no reason to! We don't know each other. Just enjoy a good acting performance, everyone.

  41. I want the 2 minutues of my life back I just wasted reading this!

  42. I'm a big movie fan in general and to be honest- all of the star wars movies had huge faults. Some of it was special effects, there were moments where they were just disapointing. The new trillogy special effects were just overwhelming.

    Dialog in all 6 was mediocre. As for Leia and Padme, Leia is not nearly as beautiful, but her character had more depth. Thats as far as I'm going to go with the two of them.

    If your going to analyize these movies on techincal merits- you'd probably hate them by the time your done. If you wanted an enjoyable escape from reality for the afternoon nothing beats a starwars flick.

    Eliot

  43. during the curly-haired brush scene, i leaned over to my boyfriend and said the exact same thing you did.

    curly headed girls don't brush their dry hair!!!!!!

    argh. even natalie should have known that and said something.

    "um, Mr. Lucas? I like the idea of my character being all dreamy outside on the balcony, but you obviously know nothing about women's hair care. give me something besides a brush."

  44. I personally would never see the movie but I would have to agree. Natalie should know about the curly hair brushing thing…she has curly hair!

  45. loved this post! i'm tired of reading all the in-depth reviews trying to parallel the storyline with our government blah blah blah…
    and as a woman, i swear i thought the SAME thing when she was brushing her hair!

    regarding her acting (and everyone else's), i may have an explanation…
    many times while they're filming, they don't know WHAT they're filming. lucas is so hell-bent on making sure key parts of the movie aren't leaked, that they are simply given lines to read, with no build-up or explanation as to what happened before. also, they may film a scene with different lines, just to confuse them and assure that no one will tell the story to the press.
    so that might explain the less-than-perfect acting skills we are seeing from these usually above-average actors.

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