For starters, Padme stands for "pedicure manicure." It’s so Yoda to say it all backwards, but that’s just what it means. And, while I’m on the subject, that Natalie Portman, the woman who played Padme, was flat. I’m not talking breasts; I’m talking delivery. Though, really, is that her fault? While her hair styles were versatile–hello, perfectly separated curls are no small feat when in the prior scene, her hair is ensconced behind hardware, and falls in smooth sections, like prep school girls on their first day of class—her script was two-dimensional. The woman had a lot to deal with. She wasn’t just losing her man to another woman with dark hair. She was losing him to the ever-illusive "dark side." Add a heap of hormones; cough up pregnancy, and really, who’s going to be rational? Clearly the writers weren’t women. Lucas could have benefited from a facial and a mani-pedi, got down with his fem side.
There’s a scene where Portman has perfectly defined ringlets, and she’s holding a bigass brush, a la Maison Pierson, swooning about her future, the sky wound with scarlet ribbons of cloud behind her. Every woman with curls knows, when your hair is dry, you don’t even say the word "brush," threatened by even the "idea" of frizz. Yet there’s Padme, stroking her curls with a paddled brush. Yeah, okay, make the droids rotate 4 light sabers at once. Totally believable. Put a brush in the hand of a curly headed woman, and we know you’re full of shite.
Never mind the unbelievable fight scenes between a squawking iguana and a droid king. Lucas ought to have devoted his time to airbrushing out Portman’s facial flaws. Under the fluorescent lights of birth, our princess needed a serious deep-pore cleanse. She needed a StarWars Facial. I mean, really, she has a daughter titled, Princess Leah, who lives with a senator… and why is she named "Princess" Leah if no one knows who her mother is? Yeah, exactly, it’s all about the skin. Lucas, get on that shite, will ya? Call that shite Pearl Cream. Add an accent, add an 800 number, a Web site, and you’re onto something. Sure, make it Royal Pearl Cream. May the force be with you.
Episode III might as well have been Brigit Jones Diary in space. It was a major chick flick. Don’t buy it? First off, there were a LOT of sunsets. Okay, beyond that, and the lovely architecture, all Yoda does is talk about breaking up. We see the Wookies purring, missing their big bad Yoda. Sad break up. When young Anakin confides in Master Yoda about his dreams, Yoda tells him to "Let it go." Excuse me, that’s my line. "You need to stop controlling that which you want to control. Train yourself to let go of that which you want to hold, you must." He might as well have begun to belt out a Bonnie Rait tune: "Make you love me, I can’t; Make your heart feel something it won’t, you can’t" during the serenity prayer of an AA meeting.
Then, the ultimate chick flick addition: our boy, Anakin, was way hotter as the unattainable, unavailable, badass, caped in black with bedroom eyes. Issues? Oh yeah. And guess what baby? I’m here to help, lend an ear or a heaving bosom. I’m all about you because you treat me like shite, throw my pregnant ass down, and I’m giving up my power in the senate all for you and your bedroom eyes. Ooooh, you poor torn soul. Let me suck it. Anakin was a man who said "cokc" in bed. Never mind the good, rule-abiding Jedi pusssy, bring on the badass who tosses us around for good measure (and let’s not mention the lunacy that was Yoda, bouncing around like a pinball. The dude is an elder, which means less light saber and more mojo. Less flash, more fierce.) How much hotter did Anakin look as Vader (pre lava lamp)? Don’t get me wrong, I actually became anxious, wondering, shite, what’s going on in MY life that’s making ME nervous? Breathe. Go on, breathe. There has to be something. It can’t be just about this movie. It wasn’t. I saw every badass I was attracted to in the conflicted Anakin. I wanted to be the one to convince him to turn it all around, to come to his senses and choose the Jedi way, selflessness, and common good. Guess what, welcome to the life of every woman who meets an unavailable man. She wants to take on the challenge of convincing him to suddenly become emotional and sensitive. She wants to convert funnel cake into celery. Yeah, Portman, get in line girl. Been there, learned that. While you’re waiting, get a facial and a decent retouching staff.