my glamorous life of porcelain

In ALL, LIFE OBSERVATIONS by Stephanie Klein14 Comments

Last night I vomited in a Mexican bathroom.  I definitely win.

The stairs were my undoing.  Drunk, I had to negotiate flights of stairs to find a toilet.  There was a line,  a long Mexican mamasita in bright colors of a line.  That’s when I got the spits and decided sitting on the Corona-splashed floor was a good idea.  When it was finally my turn to use the lavy, I tasted nachos.  I didn’t know how to lock the door.  At least I made it to the toilet. 

When I came back down to the bar, I was hungry again.  So Chris and I ate quesadillas and talked about feet.  I learned that Russian Strippers have toes that hang off their clear stilettos, and that dirty red toes are called "Rudolph Toes" because Rudolph tried to hide his red nose with dirt to try to fit in.  Chris pretended to vomit, puffing out his cheeks,  not realizing I just had.  Then he spoke of "Light-bulb Toes," which in bed that night I thought about while trying to fall asleep.  I thought of men with light-bulb fingers, fingers I would have described as spoons, and how I never wanted to fool around with a man who had spoon hands. That’s just creepy, and not in a good way.  I didn’t get any sleep.

Comments

  1. -light bulb toes
    -rusty trombone
    -dirty sanchez

    some education in this greek tragedy. my my.

  2. This is the fifty millionth time I have read about vomiting this week. I just finished reading Smashed by Koren Zailckas. Essh.

    I at least hope the quesadillas were good!

    BTW is there anyone else around like me who has never, ever vomited before? Wierd I know – but true.

  3. Ya Jenelle, that's weird. I have never vomited from drinking too much though – I know when to draw the line.

    And that's the second time someone has mentioned quesadillas today. Now I want one so bad… Mmmmm…

  4. No, Jenelle, I think you're the only one.

    Like Stephanie discovered, there's nothing like a good technicolour yawn to restore the sense of balance you lost after the third margarita, and make it possible to return to the bar for another round of quesadillas.

    I really, really hate throwing up, but it's amazing how much better I feel afterwards (whether it's due to too much alcohol or a bad piece of chicken). If you're unable to throw up, as opposed to being far too careful to over-indulge and get yourself into that state, then I have to say I feel a tad sorry for you. It's such a relief to throw up when you've had too much to drink – you can almost hear your liver saying "oh, thank God".

  5. You threw up???!!! Jesus! How could you not tell me? Like, "Hey, I totally just puked up there." Man, you DID take long in the bathroom, but I thoujght maybe you snuck a #2 in, and I just didn't want to think about it, so I didn't ask.

    Now I am going to give you some credit: You told me that you felt drunk, but it did not show. If it wasn't for this post, I would have NEVER known you were even remotely close to puking. Had I known, I totally would have tried to take advantage of you by the way. Damn! That's some acting skill girl…

  6. I love that there are now links to recipes for Mexican food on your Google Ads list. But where are the ads for anti-nausea drugs? Or Russian Strippers? Huh?

  7. Talked to Ralph on the big white phone, didja? Cinco de Mayo was Holocaust Remembrance Day this year. When faced with the choice between margaritas and memorials, I chose the gym. Less fun than one, but less depressing than the other.

  8. Talked to Ralph on the big white phone, didja? Cinco de Mayo was Holocaust Remembrance Day this year. When faced with the choice between margaritas and memorials, I chose the gym. Less fun than one, but less depressing than the other.

  9. You used to be funny, clever, and entertaining. I looked forward to your updates.

    Now you're just an unfunny cliche of everything you weren't before. An inflated ego must have been part of the book deal.

  10. i've never thrown up before. i just have a strong stomach. and i've never had alcohol. i don't know what light-bulb-toes means. maybe i shouldn't ask.

  11. A girl that will keep the party going, even in the face of GI issues, is a woman you want to align yourself with. On the suject of hands. I'm getting a manicure for my wedding, so that my cuticles don't ruin the close up ring shots. Walk me thru the salon, I have no clue what I'm doing. Should I take my fiance? What do I ask for? Is there any must-know lingo? Is it in Korean? Will I have to eat Bok Choy?

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