It’s funny to me, but not to most, and certainly not when I hear it or repeat it to myself, but it’s still a funny idea. Courage. I kind of pride myself on mine; taking stock of all the moments I stood up for myself when it wasn’t easy. It’s funny to me that the times when it ought to have been really easy, when it wasn’t even a question, it was suddenly, and strangely the hardest.
Tonight, I wasn’t courageous. I wasn’t daring. I was sheepish, a Cosmo lemming. I talked to you about grabbing what’s in front of you when it’s your chance. “So much in life is timing,” I said, “and really, people like to say if it’s meant to be, but please, if it’s really meant to be, you make it happen.” I said it like I meant it, and I still do. I really do. But in the rain, tonight, beneath your umbrella, I didn’t want to let you go, let the moment pass us by, but I did. I let it slip by, not because I didn’t want it. I was scared you’d let go, yawn, tell me you had a long day. And I’d have to walk away, dejected. I’m the girl; that’s not my job. But somehow, I worry it is now. I worry you think you’ve done your part. Now, it’s up to me. And I suck. I’m so mad at myself for not following my instinct, for not grabbing you and pulling you home with me. Instead, I came home alone, unsure of the space that is growing between us. I’m worried I’m losing you, and we’re not even at the point where there’s anything to lose. But that’s another lie. I’d somehow always know what I lost, and it wouldn’t be funny.
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Same thing happened to me recently exept he DID reject me for hangover reasons. I hated him and myself for that.
Here's my idea of a great romantic evening. First you go to an early New York Philharmonic concert at Lincoln Center featuring the tasty fresh Helene Grimaud playing Rachmaninoff's Piano Concerto No. 2 in C minor. (That's the piece Eric Carmen ripped off for "All By Myself".) Afterwards you head over to the Dublin House for a couple of beers with the last of the Joseph Mitchell types. You stay until the Yankees win. Then you walk home through the park in a slight mist while thinking all the way how amazing it is that you can walk safely at night through the park these days. Not like when you were younger. You finally get home around 11 and you log onto Stephanie Klein's blog and leave a cryptic message. Then you watch the last of Sports Center and you go to bed–along with your two cats–happy as a bug in a shag rug. Who needs another human being in your life after you've had a beautiful night like that? Another person would have only ruined everything.
I know this feeling all too well. I second guess myself. How thin is the line between Spontaneous and Carefree Girl and Pushy Overzealous Girl? And then the rationalization that quickly comes after the rejection to make yourself feel better. As much as I hate to admit it, it's far better to feel disappointed in your own lack of chutzpah than to feel disappointed because you went for it and he didn't meet you halfway.
You are way too smart and beautiful for your own good. At this point, I think you need to just say "What do I have to lose." Nothing ventured, nothing gained.
Simple rule for keeping your sanity where men are concerned – quote Eric Cartman: "Wha-eva! I do what I want!!"
Just do what you want when you want and who gives a fuck how others perceive you. If homie can't hang with it then he gots to get to steppin'
You obviously weren't wearing white slacks, or the guy would not have left!
Only joking, well written. The man is obviously a fool.
hi Stephanie, Big fan of your blog. First time posting but I saw this shirt and thought you should def. order one!
http://www.thinkgeek.com/oreilly/tshirts/6388/
Jen,
That really is a great shirt for her.
I'm not sure I'd attribute courage, or lack thereof to that particular situation. I reserve the word "courage" for cancer patients and war heroes. It's a big word. But your situation makes me think of a quote from one of my favorite movies:
"…when a defining moment comes along, you define the moment or the moment defines you.."
wow, i've so been there. just started reading your blog regularly, and i love it. you have such a beautiful way of putting things. i need to suck it up and be courageous too, life's just too short.
It really is all about the timing, isn't it? Mine has always been off. So, I completely empathize with your frustration, but maybe the timing being off happens for one of those reasons like fate or destiny or whatever?
First, let's define the division of labor here. The woman first has to make herself available. Second, the man makes a move. Third, the woman responds. Of course, the roles can be reversed in today's society, but that is generally how it goes.
"Blokes just don't think like this" is what my husband would say if he read this. Here's the girl, wondering about what move she would make and how he might respond and what if he said this or what if he thought that and if I said this would he want to call me or if I don't say it will he think I'm being coy and blah blah blah… And here's the guy, thinking gee, I really thought my umbrella-sharing thing was a power move… guess I'd better come up with a new one.
I admire courageous people. When it comes to my heart, I always follow the motto "Better safe than sorry." I can't help it – I just never want to get hurt.
Another great post.
Your complete honesty produces wonderful writing. I think that being in love also means being frightened a good deal of the time when you wonder what to say and what to do around the other person. You just hope that your words and actions won't scare him/her away.
You must know that I do not love and that I love you,
because everything alive has its two sides;
a word is one wing of silence,
fire has its cold half.
I love you in order to begin to love you,
to start infinity again
and never to stop loving you:
that's why I do not love you yet.
I love you, and I do not love you, as if I held
keys in my hand: to a future of joy-
a wretched, muddled fate-
My love has two lives, in order to love you:
that's why I love you when I do not love you,
and also why I love you when I do.
Life's too short to stand around and wait for something to happen, you just have to go for it.
Im bored.