geni tales

In ALL, LIFE OBSERVATIONS by Stephanie Klein29 Comments

I’ve heard of naming your penis.  I don’t really get it; it’s not a car, but I know it’s done.  What I don’t get is referring to it in the third person, as if it has a personality.  “Willy wants to come out and play.”  Ew.  That’s just wrong.

I know several men who tell doctor stories and refer to their “area” as “stuff” or “junk.”  I flinch.  “What should I call it?”
“Not that!”
“Why?  It’s my junk.”  Ew.  “Anyway, so the doc was touching my junk…”

Don’t do that.  We don’t want to think of your penis or balls as stuff or junk.  For starters, “stuff” evokes thoughts of the middle of Oreos, of a black grandfather with his grandson drinking whole milk listening to the sound of a twisted cookie.  And, “junk” evokes thoughts of the trash heap from Fraggle Rock or Oscar from Sesame Street.  Guess what?  You can’t win with either.  Oreos bring us back to roller rinks and Member’s Only jackets, and Oscar brings us back to the whole Big Bird Snuffalufagus conundrum.  And there’s nothing seexy about an 8-foot tall bird that wears a propeller beanie hat, whose legs look like ribbed condoms, and who drinks birdseed milkshakes from Mr. Hooper’s store.  Now, Snuffalufagus, on the other hand, had quite a trunk, if memory serves.  Still, ix-nay on the unk-jay.  There has to be a better word.  I prefer “area,” which evokes a modern clean television show.  I can deal with that.


  1. An ex used to call my penis "Mr. Freckle". I assume this is because it has a freckle. I never told that to anyone else, certainly not a medical professional . . . but then again, Mr. Freckle, fortunately, never needed medical attention.

  2. So can I say, "My area wants to come out to play," or "I shave my area," or "The doctor fondled my area," or "Please touch my area,"? I don't think any of that is funny, or sexy. It sounds so clinical. Not that "junk" is any better. For such a dirty girl, you sure are sensitive about naming the private parts. (If you doubt "dirty", please refer back to "He j'd on my face," and "I workin' down here!" and "my finger was in his ass.")

    I guess I just don't get it, and I also hate that this post is about me…

  3. OK – no one else has gone there so I guess I will:

    Crank, Shaft, Dick, Cock, Snake, Pud, Weasel, Wonder Worm, Johnson, Jammy, Rod, Dolphin, Moisture Missile, Willie, Schlong, Putz, Wank, Meat, Meat Puppet, Meat Whistle, Monster, Tube Steak, Monkey, Skin Flute, Pocket Rocket, Yogurt Dispenser, Peter, Joystick, Prick, Dink, Dong, Pipe, Banana, Bone, Stub…

  4. Allow me, since evidently, as per usual with many women, we are still neglecting/forgetting the "step children, rocks, nuts, eggs, stones, tea bag, berries, family jewels, hefty bag, testes", etc…..

  5. Me and my friends always refer to "my privates".

    Its so funny, it makes us laugh every time. Cause every other name makes us laugh too.

  6. "Clem". He's your buddy, and he's reliable. If you get the car stuck in a ditch, you can call Clem. Need the transmission rebuilt-Clem. Want to hang out at the bowling alley on tuesday-Clem again. He doesn't take himself too seriously, but when called upon, he delivers. Unassuming, yet competent.

  7. Twig and Berries

    although Twig is not illustrative of the girth of the member

  8. ACK ! i didnt want to know what everyone else refered to their own as ! now when i read comments, i'll be thinking of what its called instead of your comment name!

  9. Long Dong Silver
    Free Willy
    Little Elvis
    Wang Dang Doodle
    Pinky and the brain
    Mr. Fruitbasket

    I could go on for days.

  10. For a spell, I referred to my weenie as "Your Mom".

    Breaking up ain't so hard after all.

  11. If men wouldn't call it junk, women may be more willing to play with it.

    However, trunk could be flattering and build intrigue.

    I like The Love Below.

  12. Not sure how I feel about the whole "area" thing. Oh baby, show me your area. Let me suck on your area. Your area is so…

    Yeah… not so much

  13. Oy. Okay, I meant use "area" when telling a medical story. Like, "So when the doctor examined my area…"

    The bedroom is a-whole-nother "ball game." Where I personally prefer to go old school with "cock." It's so much hotter than "dick," and keeps me from evoking images of the "ricky retardo dicks" in my life.

  14. straight from the mouth of an englishman (errmm my husband)
    3 piece
    cannon and balls
    pink oboe
    2 billiard balls in a grocery sack
    hairy conkers

  15. Not so big on nouns for genitals. Proper nouns, on the other hand, are OK:


    OK, so that is the only one that's acceptable.

    But, it goes oh-so-well with: "Lady"

    Afterall, gentlemen always let the lady go first.


  16. There's nothing I hate more than hearing a guy tell me "Mr. Johnson wants to come out and play", or "Mr. Johnson wants a kiss" or "Mr. Johnson is lonely". There's a certain degree of smugness that accompanies these statements that neither cute nor sexy. I'd rather hear a guy stop acting like he's playful and say something manly and rude.

  17. Oh yeah, right… Lemme see if this makes sense…

    The one thing I've got that has the most potential for fun, and I'm going to give it its OWN name?!? Let it step out with its own identity??

    Ohhhhhhhnoyadont!! That's ME down there. It's all part of the same er.. package. Hell, something has to make up for the glasses and double chin.

    Naming rights are for stadiums. What's next? Decals?? NASCAR-like sponsorships???

    "Yeah, the Durex powerhouse was really on its game tonight, and I wanna give a shout-out to my sponsors, Ketel One and Astroglide. Without them, none of this would have been possible."

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