I can’t sleep. As in, haven’t slept in a few nights really, and I’m not the kind of person with things like insomnia. I’m pre something or other. I have to be, though I’m not quite sure because I’m not having seex anymore. The Pill told me when I was pre something or other. It measured out my moods in empty foiled packets. But for the past two months, I’ve been going at it solo. Hence the have to be: I’ve been crying, and I haven’t cried since Halloween.
The first tears fell tonight after I had rage seex with myself. After anger masturbation, a rage of men, at men, slid out with the first tear. The kind buried so deep you didn’t know it was there. Latent. But, it slips out when I anger fcuk myself, frustrated, and uneven, like a child struggling to be released from their crib at bedtime. Restless, my God, that’s it. I’m so fcuking restless. Twitchy and scratchy and movey (it should be a word) and frustrated.
I’m wearing my hair curly again, and I feel the chaos inside. I’ve been fine, “working on me.” Fuck it. I’m so sick of saying that shite. Work on yourself. Ew. Enough. I’ve done that. I’ve done that. I’ve DONE THAT!!! If I hear myself tell one more person about my hobbies and friends and job and dog, I’m going to … I hate when I do that. I just threatened just there. Did you see that? If I hear one more… yeah, big talker, what you gonna do about it? I hate that I’m empty threats even to myself. And, more importantly, I hate the word HOBBIES. It’s terrible and reminds me of a fat freckled kid I grew up with who even in 6th grade did the comb-over. I think of wooden horses. I’m so ill over the selling of my life. I’m out there working it, selling myself, really, telling people about my interests, and the worst bit is I’ve been pedaling to myself.
When the rage climaxes and tears heave out with the breathing, I realize, in the silence, that I’ve built a thick heavy wall of funny stories and interests around my heart. I don’t know how to let anyone in anymore. And the most uncomfortable I get is when someone asks me how I am while looking me in the eye, pausing in a stare, waiting for a reply. I look away, and then look back ensuring I make eye contact so they don’t ask again. I lie to their face. Convincingly. “I’m good. Really good.” I shake my head between good and really. “Yeah.” They smile back, and I want to just cry.
I’m not fine; I’m terribly sad. I’ve become craft dog lover work lady, but I’m getting hard. I’m worried because I used to be so much softer than this hard armor of a woman. I hate that I’m this hard. I don’t realize until the release cleaves me like a peach, revealing the hard center of a stone fruit. It needs to be coaxed from its lodge and roots.
I feel alone, even beside the hum of the pink curled body beside me. I worry this is how it will always be. Me, with my “I’m fine”s and hobbies, trying to sleep, restless.
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They say that you tell a woman a problem and she will give you empathy and sympathy. Tell a man and he'll suggest solutions.
Martian that I am I say that the way out of this eating away at yourself is to travel. I am not talking about some fancy resort in the islands, but really travel. Take 6 months. Go see South East Asia. People over there seem to have the softness/hardness thing down pat. So many lessons to teach us about humility, strength in the face of adversity and generosity.
I've been there. Been so mad/sad/messed up that I didn't know whether to cry or barf or hit something. Thought about going to jail or joining the army just so that I would feel so good to be out when I was done that I wouldn't ever feel that life is crap again.
Taking a risk, throwing myself into unfamiliar situations with people I didn't know, with truly good people who haven't yet succumbed completely to materialism was what got me out. With people who have seen so much pain more than we have and who can still smile, look you in the eye and welcome you into their hearts without fear.
When restless, move. We are not meant to stand still.
Alternatively you can push all this back down below the surface, get drunk, get high, get laid. Whatever. Go to the gym more, get new clothes. Tell yourself that all is fine. That's what society needs you to do. Keep chugging along.
But fuck, dude, when you buy that ticket, that 6 month/1 year/who knows leap into the unknown, there is a feeling in your heart of such release and joy. It is really frightening and exhilarating and so right.
Mike
In the end, when everyone's gone, all the smiles and drinks and promises and good times, and it's quiet…we scratch and claw and fight out of our holes all by ourselves. There is no one to help; nor should there be.
Strength to you.
Isn't it amazing that we can convince ourselves for so long that we're ok, fine, happy when deep inside we know that there's an emptiness and sadness that will not be denied its acknowledgement? And have you ever noticed that the more we try to convince ourself (and others) that we're "fine", the worse these feelings are when they eventually rear their ugly heads?
I don't know- for as sucky as we feel during these moments of restlessness and helplessness, maybe these bad times serve a purpose. To make us really stop and look at our lives and evaluate what we truly want out of life. To force us to stop and be honest with ourselves and to recognize we need to be true to ourselves, even if it means that the outside world might frown upon us because we're NOT perfect, great or fine. To acknowledge that we can feel afraid, weak, lonely and vulnerable, but that the sadness can bend us, but it will not break us.
i've had those angries before, and they hit me out of nowhere, because in daylight i'm pretty good at handling the no man and i'm more than okay bit with laughter. yesterday i had one of those job-school-hobbies conversation with a new guy on the phone, and when he said, "so, um, what do you do for fun?" i almost fell off the bed laughing. it's come to that…what i do for fun? and then i thought, shit, i have fun, but how? does my fun have a category, a source? i want someone next to me at night, in my brand new bed. enough already. i can't explain how i have fun!
Wow! Your blog commentators are super insightful. What a resource foundation you have built. That is wonderful and something to be truly happy for. You made it all from nothing.
I don't think there's a silver lining to be found in the sadness and hardness, and I don't think we can escape from it.
If we are sad, then perhaps that sadness can motivate us to move on down the road to actually being fine, to do the things that make us smile and sing, to take a big risk and trust enough to put our hearts on the line (again).
SK – your 'blog makes me think about that certain Book, Canto in Spencer's "The Faerie Queene" where the Knight meets the old man in the cave (symbolizing the vortex of dispair as a logical progression). The answer to the Knight's delimma was to perform an irrational act, as trying to think his way out only made his dispair worse. Mike's suggestions above were of this ilk, and good ones. There are countless others. But I mostly adhere to logic, but sometimes I think about this Canto when life seems to have gotten the better of me, then I do something random immediately without hesitation. As an aside, the thing that is wonderful here is that I would have thought that angry female masterbation would have counted toward the random, alas it must be logical.
When it gets bad do you ever think about whether any relationships that have died were salvageable? Any second-guessing?
Not to suggest, however, that cheaters deserve any salvage attempt…because they don't. I'm anti-salvage where they're concerned, but just wondering what times like this do to one's relationship hindsight.
I think the answer to the restlessness was said best by Red (how appropriate) and it's engraved on a Tiffany paperweight (how inappropriate) on my desk. "Get Busy Livin'".
Martians? You have Martians commenting? Jaysus…you ARE popular.
I can hear the distant thunder
Of a million unheard souls
Watch each one reach for creature comfort
For the filling of their holes
In the blood of Eden
Lie the woman and the man
With the man in the woman
And the woman in the man
In the blood of Eden
We wanted the union
Of the woman and the man
I used to lump this blog in with This Fish and the like, girl bloggers who complain constantly about their singleness when the reasons for such are utterly obvious to the reader (dull, desperate, pathetic, self-important, no life), but despite your dubious associations, I must say this blog is growing on me. I've really genuinely enjoyed it lately. You have balls. Try not to associate so much with the Dull Girl Club though, will ya? It's confusing for the reader, since unlike them you seem to actually have something to offer people who have interesting lives of their own.
It's funny how many awful things you "realize" when you're is all alone in the night.
It's easy to overthink your situation and become miserably entrenched in pessimistic logic. You wonder if you're really happy when you smile, and you wonder if what you mean everything you say to yourself/others. Eventually you start to pick everything apart in a frenzy of paranoia. Maybe you're right about all the things you ponder…or maybe you're just thinking too much? No one can have a life that's so fulfilling and satisfying that even upon close and angry scrutiny it's flawless and perfect. Look to what you do have in life and stop doubting. The simple bliss of ignorance can also come in the form of happiness that stems from forgiving the imperfections for being there.
Cheer up.
Speaking out of concern not meaness, Stephanie honey this post seems to be from a person who's really gone off the rails. What can be done? Perhaps for you to be you off of the rails suits you best. Send me an email for more complex (&confidential) analysis on the subject. I'll reply prompty with my further thoughts on all this plus my bill. Just kidding ;-)
Longtime reader first time commenter..
You do have courage putting it all out there and I am so sorry that you are sad. Perhaps though, less ball-grabbing, in-your-face, take-it-or-leave-it, put-it-all-on-line-for-the-world-to see attitude might be a step in the right direction. More introspection. I for one would be horrified if the woman I was interested in, dating, or just considering told the free world that she just cried herself to sleep while angrily masterbating. Or if the sexy attractive intellegent woman in the bar grabbed my balls on first meeting.
Some things are best shared bewteen two people and the act of confiding can and will bring you closer. I would suggest finding someone who you can and want to share these things with privatly. The world might be less lonely if you took it in smaller pieces.
The blog as therapy may not be working. No, you did not ask, but yes, you put it out there.
Good job taking stock of everything that sucks, now take stock of the good, and see where you're at.
Or as the wise lymric said…
"You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and there you have, the facts of life".
We've all been in this place, for me, it was because I was living for myself. Not that we don't deserve or are required to take care of ourselves, but I found when I started really taking a genuine interest in other people, whether it be thru charity work, or just listening to the issues in my friends's lives. I found that I better served my own purposes by focusing my energies outward. Now I don't presume that any of this would apply to your specific life. But like my fellow Martians, above it is only a suggestion.
Anyhow, thanks for writing.
You should try and go down on yourself while 'ragerbating'. While I attempted this last night I farted and haven't been able to move since. I'm hunched over while I type this. Help!
Tight, facile writing. Bravo.
You are nothing but a scared little girl.
And by the way, newbie couldn't be any more accurate. Before you write your next blog entry, read newbie's post again, that is if you ever read it the first time.
I have thoroughly enjoyed reading the life lists you have compiled. Like a good photograph, they reveal beauty in the simple things and in the one who is able to capture them in that light.
It seems that the only thing you may be missing is faith…
I hope the best for you in a difficult time.
I have to say though I am sure you have been told MANY times…You are absolutely striking!
Not simply because you are simply gorgeous but also because you are wonderfully contradictory and brutally honest.
I may be in love!!
Just curious, but do you get it on with tyhat dog??
Rage Happy Endings are the rage in my massage parlor Super Bowl Parties. Now we're into March Madness Parties. Would you like to work the final four shift….or even the final two?. Our customers tip well at big playoffs.
Anyway, fun thoughts from you. Enjoyed the anger management attempt…marcythewhore
euh…what exactly is "anger fucking or masturbation" supposed to be?
I'd really LOVE to urinate in your rectum.
Hit me up, sweetcheeks.
I remember this time in my life all to well. Fortunately, I had a co-worker (opposite gender) that was in the same boat. We organized clandestin trips to … Atlanta… Destin… Orlando… Memphas… and satisfied each others real needs. No kids, hobbies, bills, worries. No expectations, just each other! That was several years ago. I saw her, not long ago, at a hospital cafeteria, and reflected on our relationship. We both agreed that it was the best time of our lives. Neather one of us has the desire to do it again but it was exciting, adventurous, romantic and a wonderful chapter in our lives. Hope you can create you own real-life fantacy experiance like we did.
Interesting topic, and as often, one can relate to the things you're describing. However, in all sincerity, I am not quite sure I know what "anger fucking or masturbation". The closest I think it could be is masturbation out of frustration. Could anyone care to explain?
I tell family and friends that "we're all just kids wrapped in the hardened outer shell of adulthood."
I'm glad to see that someone else recognizes that.
I'm more than a little sad that it's true.
It's a shell of life and responsibility. We all need to keep that kid near the surface if we can, and bring him/her out as much as life allows.
I think newbie is a genius. I couldn't have said it better myself.
Looking over the NYT article, I decided to check the site.
You're fairly talented, and the blog is breezily entertaining for about five minutes. Translation: self-absorbed, narcissistic tripe. That you're going to be a millionaire spewing your rehashed SITC nothingness is an astonishing and depressing cultural statement.
So, a big point of your blog is that no matter how privileged you are, unhappiness is an inevitable part of life. _This_ is a story begging to be told?
Re your reply to the alcoholic guy's blog. You'll be lonely forever with your standards- and sorry, you can't hide behind "it's just a joke" thing.
I would be heartless though not to wish you the best of luck searching for happiness. God knows we all need it, but I think you'll need a bigger dose than
most.
too cruel tryus; weird that you wish her well while making an attempt to destroy that person's style.
Anger and frustration can be very energizing. The trick is to turn that energy into something positive in the given lemons make lemonade school. The NY Times article about your book advance and movie/TV interest, I would say your long dark journey has succeeded in a green dollar sign light at the end of the tunnel. Similar to Bridget Jones diary.
Your angst may be real or not, it does not matter, the drama is key. Life as a docudrama. Is your life imitating art imitating life or ?
Curious that so many people had trouble understanding anger masturbation. Maturbation is good for you, whether angry or not, you had some release, and got some sleep to knit up the raveled sleeve of care. Keep up the profitable work and travel. A moving target is harder to hit!
Tyrus and other detractors: If you are successful in whatever you're trying to do or be in life, would you care so much about whether someone else deserves their success?
Very interesting blog…Been reading for 5 hours now..
"One lives ones life under constant tension until it's time to go for good."
Einstien, not me.
I have just finished reading a story about you in my local paper. I have been curious about the whole "blog" world and after visiting your site I feel inspired to create one of my own. Unfortunately, I am not particularly savy on how or where to begin. I would love any advice that you or anyone else reading could offer.
Thank you!
Anne
you're very cute and I have had a thing for red heads forever… do you ever get to Boston?
I'm single, educated, working in a well paying job I enjoy and adorable (so says my ex- fiancee) and looking.
Jim