50 cent

In ALL, PHOTOGRAPHYby Stephanie Klein50 Comments

I’ve never blacked out.  I’m not that big of a drinker, but something happens to my memory when I drink.  Or, at least I think it’s to do with alcohol; I can’t say for certain.  It might happen any time I have a really long night.  Details slip past me. 

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I have a love hate relationship with my photographs.  I love and hate that I forget things and that photographs remind me of what I’d forgotten.  Sometimes that’s a good thing.  The way Jen, Kim, and I randomly ended up in the bathroom together and began to scream with excitement like reunited summer campers.  I loved that moment.  The details come back…

I loved Amy’s new sparkling jeans, but I’m sad we didn’t get to catch up.  Oh wait.  I take that back.  I remember quite vividly now… we did catch up.  Oh dear.  Her jeans weren’t juicy, but her stories were.  I love that Jason showed up.  Erika’s boobs looked great.  I hate that I didn’t get to talk to Trish or Monique or Witts.  I don’t like that I took time to photograph Suzara and Mishy, but I didn’t get to really talk to them.  I hate that I never tried a cupcake and that no one made sure I had.   I didn’t get to kick back with Sammy or talk to Lorien.  I love that I didn’t know who Jen Kang was, and I remember telling her husband Richard just that.  After my necklace broke, after fish’s belt broke, we shared a limo to Cain, where we slipped our way along a velvet rope line in open-toed shoes, snow between our toes.  "It’s cold. Home. Warm. Beds." Mostly, I hate when I don’t get to spend time with all the people I really adore.

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I awoke this morning feeling fine.  Headache, sure, but overall fine.  But then the anxiety kicked into high gear when I began to sort the photos from last night.  I’m in too many pictures with men, and it makes me nervous.  I don’t like the way I see myself.  It’s nothing to do with my arms or double chin, either.  This time, I’m terribly self-conscious about how my personality photographs.  I’m a ham, and now, it seems, I’m a flirt.  And I hate that.  I genuinely don’t like who I see in myself in some of these photos.

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Except in this one.  I love this one… my love for Jennifer couldn’t be more sincere.

view the photos from Jen’s birthday at soho house >>

Comments

  1. I'd be less concerned about the possibility of details slipping by and funny-face photos, and more about whether or not I could be trusted to remember to take my camera home with me at the end of the night. BTW, have you seen the Australian film "Proof" with Hugo Weaving and Russell Crowe? I think you'd like it.

  2. I thought long and hard about what you wrote and what you said here before I wrote this response. I looked over each and every one of these pictures, even though it took an hour. Some of it was excrutiating. I wish you would filter out the repeats and closed eye shots, but I guess it's kind of cool to see everything. As for your flirtiness, I have an analysis, and I am going to offer it publically.

    I realized through looking at every one of these pictures that you are flirt (not news), not because of the quantity or quality of the men you are photographed with, but because of your body language with each of them. The way you close your eyes, or tilt your head, or open (or close) your mouth, or place your hand, or lift your leg, no matter who your counterpart, seems to show a level of love or comfort or caring that just should not be there in a casual picture. I think the guys feel it. I think your viewers feel it. If you were dating one of the guys in these photos, we would not be able to pick him out. We can't distinguish the difference in your body language between him and the gay guy. And you might imagine how somebody who cares for you looks back at pictures that he loves because of the way you look melted in his arms. And how he might feel if he looked at these pictures where you look melted in everyone's arms.

    Now it's not necessarily a bad thing. I think you feel comfortable when there is a strong chest under your hand (or leg), and that's fine. You just have to be aware that it is easy for the viewer, who doesn't know you, to judge this as disingenuous. Maybe you even feel it yourself when you flip through these.

    It's kind of like this blog in many ways. You open yourself up to your friends and strangers in exactly the same way, and it can be perceived by some as diminishing the "specialness" of being your friend. Granted, strangers usually aren't getting the blowjobs, but this isn't about sex. It's about affection. It's about the soft underbelly that you have exposed to everyone, friends and strangers alike.

    I don't have an opinion about what you should do, or how you should live your life. All I know is that your comfort with strangers has some repercussions on how your are perceived. For the most part, I think you don't really care what strangers think, and you believe your friends will always understand. That's probably all true, but your shouldn't be surprised if it become an issue for someone you care about every once in a while.

    That's all I got. Except to say that you, and your breasts, look spectacular in 6646.

  3. I don't really have any input to this, but I really want you to know that I really like the first picture with you in it. You look radiant and gorgeous, all rosy cheeks and glossy hair (which looks great, by the way).

  4. Chris, first off, I nearly cried when I read that. It's all true. I guess I am a flirt… I guess also because I can be. When I was married, I never flirted. I see it as a bit of betrayal, even when it's harmless. I don't like myself when I flirt because it feels like a violation. But given that I'm single, it's nothing to feel guilty about. HOWEVER, after giving it thought, I realize, and you can see it in the photos, I flirt just as much with women. It's not a sexual thing. It's a, "please like me" cry. Of course, intellectually, I know people will like me because of who I am. But I can sometimes really enjoy people, especially my friends. And I love when we touch and smile and laugh. I love them more; I love me more.

    I agree, it must be hard to be my friend. I've heard it before, as I've told you, a few times. But I think you know, as do my other friends, I share my time with you becuase I love you, for you… not for who I am on a camera or story. I love us, our laughs, our faces, our touches. I hate that I cheapen that by sharing my thought with the world… but they don't get my time. My friends get my time. That's all I can say.

  5. Oh, I hate that I started that with "first off." It's like saying ONE and not following up with a TWO or THREE. Kills me.

  6. …or: "First off" and then followed by: "..and B…"

    Related: think how much you save on therapy. You've got yourself down, it seems.

  7. Jess –

    You must be new here.

    For your edification, here's the NYC Jap version of diversity:

    "New York is *SO* diverse! An Asian woman does my nails, a Mexican woman cleans my house, an Asian man delivers my food, a black man takes away my trash…"

  8. Oh, jeez. Get off the soap box.

    There was a whole bunch of hot Asian women there. But fuck if someone didn't forget to bring the black people! A little more vigilance next time, Steph??

    (eyes rolled WAY back in head)

  9. SK – Can't we just chalk it up to just having a good time? Nothing wrong with having a good time with people you just met or already know, or at least good conversation with some hammy moments for pictures, etc. So what? But for this weblog, no one would have remembered much of it, and therefore, no one would have cared or judged. And even if they do, so what again? I don't associate with people who have to have the post-evening guess who did what with who play-back. It's a free market – they can do that, and I can give them the snip, like a thread hanging from my shirt. I think it just means you are single and have needs. Those happen to be some of my favorite females – they are the most fun, generally speaking. You'll someday hitch up and these days will be lone gone, and you'll think about these times and want to feel that free-market sense of self. I miss those days and it was just last summer! That's human nature talking to ya; grass-is-greener is somehow built in to our core emotional need for change and it takes pure logic to defeat the mistakes made from its bias. Right now you probably search online and in meatpacking for that perfect guy. That's fine, but enjoy just having a good time. This is the best city in the world, and you appear to be doing it right. In the midst of all of that, the dude will abide and you'll get what you want – trust me. If he's the right one, all will fall in to place. I believe in zero effort in this regard. It should just work, otherwise, snip! Otherwise, you are one of those gals who is out there looking the look, going to the scene and having the attitude that only a certain guy (say a hedge fund manager, somehow still single, under 35, also an ex-model, lives in big SoHo loft, house in Hamptons and abroad) is right for you – if that's the case, you're fucked. Love ya.

  10. Nah…if you find the right person you don't miss "those times." You just leave them behind and move forward with your life. And, after the kids start running around the house, making noise, stomping around, giggling, singing, dancing…you really don't miss "those times," no matter what the hipsters may say, or bust your bollocks over.

    I've always been fond of what Coppolla once said when asked if he, as an artist, was being "burdened" by his family.
    He looked at the interviewer (Maria Bartolomo) incredulously: "Are you kidding? Family INSPIRES me to produce great art."

    Ya!

  11. I read your stuff everyday-I go back to read anything I missed-I scrutinize pics, words commas, periods, make up tips. Love it all all, a fine fine replacement for Sex and the City. One thing. Where ARE the black friends, the asians , the NON WHITE chicks, the guys who don't look like they wear ascots to take a shit. (Do they take a shit)????!!!!
    O.k so I spoke too soon, I think I spotted a black girl in one of your pics.
    Sidebar: for all your bitching about the way you look you are actually in a very unconventional way, extremely sexy and beautiful-far superior to any of the bland looking Tiffany's in your pics.
    Another sidebar: .Your life is wonderful stop. Thank God you are blessed with your health stop, truly thank HIM. Take your ass to Europe this summer, meet men who don't look like Ken dolls stop. Hang out with women who eat more than 2 grapes.
    Come back to NY and write about it.See if you don't thank me???
    Yia sou koukla!

  12. I totally agree with Jess and Mairula. I love your blog, but as a Black gal, I ask the same questions. Where are the non-token Blacks?

  13. but didn't you know… apparently affirmative action applies to one's life as well.

    i've read this blog for a while and i cannot believe that people are castigating you for the lack of diversity in your *friends*.
    not to point out the obvious, but this is someone's *life*– not a university. not an NBC sitcom. there aren't quotas. nor ought there to be.

    wow.

  14. Sounds like they're serious.

    But, good news! My black friend, Melanie has agreed to come to your next party and appear in EVERY picture. And wear a comb in her hair if that makes it any more authentic.

  15. Spare me Robot. You need a human emotion program or you have a glitch somewhere. The Self can sometimes feel lost in the Other. If you did those "times" up right, you should miss them once and a while, alas, you did not. The Self can also feel more defined in the Other too. You need both to fully appreciate what you have. So don't poo-poo on my current situation or anyone else's whi might be committed but have a fond memory of hitting Pastis with your boys and shootin' some fish in a barrel – I am with a fantastic gal – but I can still think back at some fun times I've had when I was free and miss them too – all at the same damn time.

  16. And where are the Indians, or Native Americans?

    Gotta agree though that Erika's tits look great (assuming Erica is the brunnete in the fuzzy lighting with the delectable decolletage)– who needs diversity, or a wonder bra, when you've got such bodacious boobs.

  17. the guy in 6718 looks kind of like ryan cabrera, only a dark haired, cuter, more mature version. he's hot anyway.

  18. Furthermore, I'd also like to add the following:
    (i) The last time I went to the SoHo House (not this party – I don't know these people), a black person and a white person decided who got in or not, which is mostly based on membership anyway;
    (ii) This black decision maker concept also exists at PM, Pastis and sometimes Lotus (I know these three people, not the person at SoHo House);
    (iii) Given (i) & (ii) above, these comments as to where are the "black people" seem misplaced at best to me but maybe you've never been to any of these places and this information is helpful to you;
    (iv) If you think this nice, sweet, cute, sexy redhead blog-person (Stephanie) is exclusive, you might be right, but that has nothing to do with diversity (see (i) & (ii) again just for the hell of it since I have all these romanettes);
    (v) romanettes kick ass; and
    (vi) If I saw all these people taking their own pictures – there must have been hundreds – I'd yack;
    (vii) No good can come from photgraphic evidence;
    (viii) No non-whites helped write this post;
    (ix) No whites helped write this post;
    (x) I am Irish.

  19. ohhhhhhhhhhh I can't help myself. ….who said anything about quotas or an NBC sitcom.Can I point OUT that there are no visible minorities in the pics, just making an observation.OF COURSE LIVING IN NY YOU'D BE HARD PRESSED TO MAKE ANY FRIENDS OF VISIBLE COLOR…university, oh Buffy, you are too darling(get laid-HARD).

    FISH, you have no black friends. All your friends are whiter than liquid paper , I imagine I'm not too far off the mark.

    Just an observation

  20. Sweet Jesus – this weblog is nutty. Romanette (vi) states "these people" in reference to the people in the pictures on the site – the subject of this conversation. I can't deal with "picture taker" types. Let it go – how can you enjoy life if you have to stop every three feet to pose for a picture – it interupts the flow in my book.

    Now . . . what did you mean by "whitey"? That comments makes no sense.

  21. Any one of us can make assumptions about Stephanie or someone else who reads her blog and posts a comment. These assumptions are based upon pictures or what is written. However, these assumptions that people are making are way off base. Matter of fact they are ridiculous and shouldn't even be brought up because they are wrong.

    You all know the saying. WHEN YOU ASSUME, YOU MAKE AN ASS OUT OF YOU AND ME. Stop making assumptions especially when you were not there, you have never met her, and don't even know her.

  22. Tom…Yes I have heard the saying. Please give your MISTRESS, the secret signal to let the clamp loose from your balls, it's making you stupid.

  23. woah. i don't think anyone got the actual point of my comment. it was meant to be a vh-1 best-week-ever-style snarky comment. Yes, there were racial undertones to my comment…but it was just for something for people to think about. Lemme clarify my snarky comment.

    The title of the post is 50 cent. I thought it was a reference to the hiphop – I got shot several times on the urban street- star 50 cent or his song in da' club. Hence the irony when I saw pictures that did not have a single black person or even a person that superficially looked like they experienced anything like 50 cent did in his days on da' street.

    SK – No haterade. Just merely commenting on something I couldn't help noticing. I know your site isn't about racial relations – its about relationships…although you do have a post regarding JAPS – which also refers to a degrog. term for japanese people…

    And to everyone else who's flaming – don't try to EVER rationalize or EXPLAIN why there is a lack of diverse. Trying to rationalize or even DEFENDING "why its the way it is" is the new form of condoning racism. Just kind of realize what's going on here. Being aware of what's going on it really all I just wanted to do.

  24. Anyone who scolds others with the cliche regarding assumptions is already an ass.

    Tom, please change your name to Dick (or George or Pat). You're an embarrassment to all Toms.

  25. ok. Sorry about the typo ladden post. I'm watching law and order while i'm commenting. Please don't critisize my spelling errors or grammer probs. thanx.

  26. Of course, the thing about Erica's boobs is that you better enjoy them while you can, because in about 20 years (or sooner, judging by pic 6784) they'll be down by her navel stud.

  27. PERHAPS STEPHANIE'S PHOTOS SHOULD BE IN BRAILLE?
    6602) Half black / half white … on a whole, absolutely gorgeous and brilliant!
    6629) Not sure, but not white and not, not there.
    6658) A picture is worth a thousand words.
    6671) Filipino and fabulous.
    6680) Lithuanian? Hunk!
    6750) 2 Jews.
    6634) Yet, another.
    572510780205_0_alb) yet, another with some lebanese, Canadian, and Korean thrown in the mix.

  28. Jess,
    It's so funny you mentioned 50 cent…Man I'm laughing. it's strictly Beethoven, ain't no 50 cent here…Maybe Harry Belafonte, maybe…How strange to be living in NY and have no mutlicult friends. Scary, very scary. A sad state of affairs. This doesn't make me love this blog any less. Actually I love it even more. I love the pics it makes me happy to be Italian.
    God there's at least 3 guys in those pics I'd love to blow just to watch them beg for more.

  29. Jess,
    It's so funny you mentioned 50 cent…Man I'm laughing. it's strictly Beethoven, ain't no 50 cent here…Maybe Harry Belafonte, maybe…How strange to be living in NY and have no mutlicult friends. Scary, very scary. A sad state of affairs. This doesn't make me love this blog any less. Actually I love it even more. I love the pics it makes me happy to be Italian.
    God there's at least 3 guys in those pics I'd love to blow just to watch them beg for more.

  30. Jess,
    It's so funny you mentioned 50 cent…Man I'm laughing. it's strictly Beethoven, ain't no 50 cent here…Maybe Harry Belafonte, maybe…How strange to be living in NY and have no mutlicult friends. Scary, very scary. A sad state of affairs. This doesn't make me love this blog any less. Actually I love it even more. I love the pics it makes me happy to be Italian.
    God there's at least 3 guys in those pics I'd love to blow just to watch them beg for more.

  31. Wow. I've made several reasonable, well-thought out posts on this blog and never gotten a response. Here, I made one offensive, nasty post and got 25 responses.

    Lesson learned. Thanks, all!

  32. It reaches my nose, not the hairs on my chiny chin chin. (Thank God, I don't have hair on my chin. I was blessed that way with blond face.) I suppose someone will think that racist of me.

  33. I don't care how many black people you do or don't hang out with, if you even do hang out with black people. All I know is, I wish I had the sense to take pictures at half of the wonderful times I've had. I think you are absolutely gorgeous. Just for the record, I'm married, and hear the pitter patter of little feet and I do miss those wild and crazy times. I love my husband and baby, but I still long for more fun. You'll see, especially if you're the first of your friends to get married and have children. You slowly become a ghost. You get the occasional phone call and invite, but things are never the same, and change isn't always that great. By the end of the week it's all I can do to get some decent adult conversation, and a shirt that doesn't have crackers or juice stains all over it.

  34. I don't know which is more enjoyable; your post or all these responses! LOL and ROTF all at once. I'm going to go with you though, darling.

    I love how openly you live and write. And you look absolutely smashing in your photos. (It's all in the eyes. The eyes! I wish I was a dog.) Another birthday, more self-examination. You've packed a lot into your years, but there's a long road ahead still. Don't get too caught up on mistakes and regrets. Keep your eyes (those beautiful eyes) on the horizon.

    Representin' whitey guys everywhere…

  35. Dealmaker…I'm so glad you were there to document, record, and re-play the fact that I did not do "those times up right" because, you know…I was, like, so drunk…ohmigod…I was, like, totally blasted, you know and like, I don't, like remember anything that, you know, happened during, like "those times." Yea, like…I think, you know, I should've, like, maybe APPRECIATED "those times" more, ya know? Because, like, the Self, like…can, like sometimes get, like, lost in the Other. You know? And…ohmigod, you're so profound,like. I like almost thought you were, like Seymour Freud or somethin'…

  36. I, too, am appalled at your lack of Rodent representation in your circle of friends. We're not feelin' the love over here in the hole in the wall. *chants* "Stephanie is weak, cuz' she's got no Squeak!" "Stephanie is weak, cuz' she's got no Squeak!"…

    ~~(__)8>

  37. After careful consideration, The Mouse has decided to suspend his impending boycott of Stephanie Klein-related products. Linus does indeed remind me of my favorite puppydog, Ginger the Rat-faced Weasel Monkey (I am not making that up).

    Which reminds me, two days ago a wee little kitten just fell into my lap via a 20 mile ride home sitting on the warm air filter of my brother's car. Starving, and scared shitless, The Mouse could not help himself but to take the little mouser into his home. Purely in the interest of Cat/Mouse relations (and the fact that it hasn't stopped purring for two days), I've decided to keep the kitty, but I need to come up with a name.

    I have respected the privacy of the young feline, so I'm not sure exactly what gender to lean the moniker toward. I've narrowed it down to two choices. Spunky (female), and Floyd (male) (unnecessary gender specifications at no extra charge). What do ya think?

    I feel we have made some progress here toward erasing the hate. Rodents everywhere thank you!

    ~~(__)8>

  38. I would comment on Robotnik's reference to Romanioans-like he can even find Romanaia on a map-or mouse's ignorant comment about Rodents, I take solace in the fact that at any given time, I can take refuge in my gregarious ethnic family who will always be there for me NO MATTER what.Your parents said buh bye to you at the age of 19-that is why you have a white clicky group, similar disfunctions attract similar disfunctions. More so if you were to befriend someone who had a visible ass and could work in the bedroom you would be faced with your robotic and less than stellar performance.

  39. Since when is being white a 'dysfunction'?

    And for the record, we honkys prefer the term 'pigmently challenged'.

    Also for the record: If you find it acceptable to take refuge in your 'gregarious' ("…tending to move in or form a group with others of the same kind…") ethnic family, then why is it so unacceptable that Stephanie, socially, should do the same?

    Glass houses, young lady.

    ~~(__)8>

    "…us ignorant rodents heard that comment too, and will be shitting on your countertops accordingly…"

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