men to avoid

In ALL, FAVORITES, MY LISTS by Stephanie Klein53 Comments

MEN TO AVOID.  PERIOD.

  1. His idea of talking dirty in bed is telling you he has a cock.
  2. If he wants to cook you a romantic dinner on the second date, he’s cheap.
  3. The guy who believes a “meaningful conversation” includes quoting The Simpsons, Ben Stiller flicks, and any trilogy.
  4. He owns anything Sean John, and lounges in velour. Ew.
  5. If he paws at his balls and responds with a, “Ohhh, yeah, those are ripe.” He’ll probably always prefer the smell of his own soggy balls and farts to your perfumed skin. Be the umpire and throw his foul balls out.
  6. He drinks pink adult beverages claiming he’s fine with his sexuality. You’ll have to fight over your china pattern, bedding fabric, and candle scent. And he’ll critique your shoes.
  7. If he favors generic vanilla wafer cookies, just-add-water products, and frozen chicken wings, your life together will be as slow as the people who work at Duane Reade.
  8. If he refers to himself as “pappi” get a restraining order.
  9. If he rides the cart at the supermarket, and you’re hoping he’ll grow out of it once your basket is filled with Luvs, find another love.
  10. He says he’s got a lot of stuff to do first thing the next morning… playing the quelle cool-hand-luke card. “A lot of stuff” involves “taking a shite.” Period.
  11. When he examines all the flatware and then polishes it with his napkin while you’re out to dinner, he’s a control freak who will obsess over the organization of your entire life, right down to the coat closet.
  12. If the Ken in your life calls you “dude,” or emails “whut up?” send him Skipper’s way. He’s not ready for Barbie.
  13. His idea of clever is, “I’m just joshing.” You might want to keep this one around, actually. You’ll lose at least five pounds of holiday bloat with all the vomiting.
  14. The Oral Sex South Beach Dieter: if he won’t eat carbs, he’ll suck at eating you in bed.
  15. His “cool wardrobe” consists of the windows of Banana Republic and Brooks Brothers. He doesn’t know from risks, and your life together will be dreary.
  16. If he whines, squeals, or giggles, you’ll have to constantly remind yourself he’s not the one with the ovaries.
  17. If his face turns red and he gets tight-lipped when you kick his ass at Scrabble, he’s a loser in more ways than one.
  18. The 007 who convinces you he’s suave with his half-stand at the dinner table, myriad hard-to-obtain-reservations, and imposing vocabulary until you hear him whine to his mother.
  19. If he can’t IM you and still get his work done, he’s a horrible multi-tasker; you’ll never achieve simultaneous orgasms.
  20. He pulls a loose strand of hair aside for you, tucking it behind your ear on the second date. It’s his power move, and it’s never sincere.
  21. He still wants to go to Turks & Caicos Club Med. Enough said.
  22. If he doesn’t put the moves on by the end of the third date, he’s terrible at closing other deals, too. Take heed.
  23. Bankers or hedgefunders who still consider themselves bankers past the age of 29; they’re insecure and hopelessly dull.
  24. Surgeons. They’ve got a sloppy God complex that spills over into their social lives.
  25. Any white guy who busts into ghettochat just because he plays b-ball, knows guys who work the door, or listens to jazz.
  26. The never-been-married post 40-year-old man whom romantically claims to still want a wife and kids. He’s holding out for an imaginary perfect 10 and will never be happy.
  27. Any guy that a) has a musical instrument but has never played professionally (save for the acoustic guitar because that’s just HOT),  b) has a canvas and paints but never been in a gallery, c) has truffle oil but is not a chef at a restaurant; he is only marginally talented, and you’ll be forced to enjoy his “talents” in awe for too long.
  28. The guy who openly deprecates gifts of jewelry; he thinks every girl is after his money even though he doesn’t earn half as much as most men in Manhattan. He’s not WORTH your time.
  29. He claims to be a metrosexual aloud. He’s gay.
  30. He stares in the mirror. He’s not only, as you would suspect, obsessed with his looks; he’s trying to casually check out the other woman across the bar. He’ll never be satisfied with just you.
  31. He already knows the words to Gavin DeGraw songs. He’s too effeminate to spank you in bed.
  32. He’s obsessed with his balls because he’s got nothing else going on.
  33. Men with bottles of “thinning hair” shampoos and sprays. He likely takes Propecia and has no seex drive.
  34. A man who excuses himself from the table, saying he has to “tinkle.” Oy.
  35. When you’re upset over something he has done, he claims, “But I’m just a dumb boy, not worthy of your emotions.” Believe him.
  36. He’s sensitive and wants to talk about your relationship all the fcuking time. Thread count notwithstanding, some things are just too soft, and soft doesn’t do us much good in the bedroom. I don’t care what he’s read in Cosmo.
  37. A man who trims. He’s hoping it will look bigger; but, here’s a newsflash, it’ll always feel small.
  38. A man who when you mention Astroglide replies, “Oooh, the one with the purple cap? That shit’s the bomb.”
  39. Anyone who says, “the bomb,” “nizzle,” or “bi-atch.”
  40. If he shaves, waxes, or lazers his arms, legs, or chest and isn’t a professional swimmer or diver, swim away.
  41. Any man who wears a class ring, pinky ring, or metal necklace. Run.
  42. He quotes Shakespeare, reads the Iliad for fun, and doesn’t just own, but uses, drink coasters. He’ll want to see your wedding dress before you actually buy it to ensure it’s up to snuff.
  43. He has a subscription to Maxim or Gay Men’s Health; he’s still in college.
  44. If when you go out for sushi, he always orders chicken teriyaki, you’ve got a chicken shit on your hands with no sense of adventure.
  45. Avoid any man who speaks with his mother more than twice a week; he might as well still be milking.
  46. He invests in a Sports Club L.A. membership to only use the elliptical and treadmill.  He’s shallow, and his idea of introspection is picking his nose.
  47. “Wait did I tell you this already?” is his code for “I’m dating a lot of other women, even though I’m going to pretend we’re exclusive by avoiding ‘the talk.'”
  48. He says “fine” then fcuks the ex-girlfriend that broke his heart.

Comments

  1. I can see where most of these items can have some validity, even number 26 which simply based on my age would appear to be applicable to me soon, but really doesn't. People do have extenuating circumstances that sometimes mess up the best of intentions and plans.

    With respect to number 45, it's ridiculous if this item is the beginning and end of the inquiry. Imagine someone rejecting a woman simply because she speaks with either of her parents more than twice a week.

    It would be nice to find out what they talk about and how they interact. If the mother or father is successful at dominating and controlling in a pernicious manner, one most probably has reason to be concerned and maybe should even consider dropping the relationship.

    A 'smart' or 'good' parent-in-law is one that preferably never gets involved in a child's marital relations, and when invited to discuss the child's marital problems or concerns refuses to participate. In the event the parent does get involved, the parent should *always* take the side of the child-in-law. This is the advice my paternal grandfather gave to my parents, and it worked wonderfully.

    When in a serious relationship one really shouldn't even consult one's friends of either sex. It's disrespectful and offensive when co-workers talk about their spouses at work. You can tell that you are serious about someone when from the start of the relationship you don't share much with others about its nature and dynamics. I forget who said that when you talk about your problems with others 80% are glad you are having problems and the other 20% really cannot help.

  2. #2 What about if he asks to cook you dinner on the FIRST DATE?!! (CHEAP LOSER BASTARD!….)

    #7 Hold on now…I like those frozen wingettes (when they're battered and fried)

    #25/39 Yo, Ma, big ups on this numbah…Ah loves me some ghettotalk…Nah-wha-ah-mean, nahumsayin [slurred, saliva-laced, lisp goes here],
    (NO I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE SAYING YOU CHEAP LOSER BASTARD! Half the time, he's not saying anything!)

    #29 Metrosexual=Suppressed/closeted homosexual

    #36 YES! The let's-explore-this-relationship, overanalytical BS gets TIRED….

    #40 HA! HA! My friend had a guy like that who she dumped when she found out he shaved his legs! I hate taco-meat chests though….UHHH!!! As long as the hair is nonexistent or barely there (and I don't know how it got that way) I'M HAPPY!

    P.S. Manhattan Transfer's #22 was definitely true: Avoid any girl who tries to come off as more emotionally unavailable and cavalier about relationships than you are. She’s secretly a tightly wound bundle of need.

    I'm a 22 and proud! Loved the post…Be blessed

  3. Just so people know, (until found otherwise)the aforementioned quote is attributed to and understood as the writing of the author of an Internet blog entry published in 2004 called "Manhattan Transfer": "22. Avoid any girl who tries to come off as more emotionally unavailable and cavalier about relationships than you are. She’s secretly a tightly wound bundle of need." [END QUOTE]

    HA! HA!

    We'd get Fs in J-school and even risk expulsion if we even quoted a known fact from Webster's dictionary without noting its origin…

  4. Dude, whut up? Ready for some honest violations?
    11 owned a restaurant. can't stand dirty or spotty silverware. Not a control freak, don't give a shite 'bout the closet.
    12 nuff said.
    14 watch carbs. need to fuhgetaboutit during dates. Eating habits? Eye of the beholder.
    17 guilty. Way too competitive. You'd be tough competition.
    22 depends. Your post is accurately stated.
    27c Truffle oil or infused oils rule. Grace please. See #11.
    31 very guilty. Love the DeGraw as you know. Effeminate? Damn you.
    39 estranged wife and her lawyer are bi-atches.
    45 guilty. Long story previously discussed.
    47 part 1 yes. hoping for exclusivity but haven't gotten nearly there yet.

    Sorry to clog the blog once again. Great post!

  5. "He quotes Shakespeare, reads the Iliad for fun, and doesn't just own, but uses, drink coasters. He'll want to see your wedding dress before you actually buy it to ensure it's up to snuff."
    I think I am still in love with him
    They usually wear BrooksBrothers.

  6. Crap! There goes half my endearing personality traits. But I'll have you know that shaving my balls is strictly a comfort thing.

  7. The only comment that I can say is that you should not judge a book by its cover. A lot of what you say makes sense, but some are completely off base.

    I know I have said this in the past…but, why prejudge someone by the way they dress? So what if they are not wearing all designer labels (i.e. Pink shirt, Hermes tie, etc.) And if they do where all these and they are broke what does that mean? Clothes do not make the man.

    Now, I don't own a musical instrument, nor do I own a canvas and paint. But, you say you are looking for someone who is creative and talented. So what if they have not played professionally or are not in a gallery. Maybe they are trying to branch out and learn a few things. The same can be said for someone who writes, it goes along the same lines…then don't date a writer unless they have published a book. Sorry, but you said it and the comparison works.

  8. Robotnik…You scream about how you hate stereotypes and now you love the ones she described. You of all people should not talk about kissing someone's ass because you just did.

  9. First comment but I have read your site for about a year now.

    Wow.

    Until this point I was thinking "Why is she single."

    Now I know why.

    Ms. Klein sounds like she is a few years shy of the 26th entry (female version).

  10. Being a new blogger, I've noticed a trend. Many people interpret what we write and believe as serious, factual, and often times, short-sighted.

    Sure we write based on our own experiences, and we make conclusions based on those. But it's our point-of-view and not intended to be all-inclusive. General observations that we believe are pervasive but by no means absolute. There IS a certain amount of truth; but I suspect in most cases, especially in mine, that there is a large degree of sarcasm that is not understood by the reader.

    Hey, I like Gavin DeGraw. Does that mean I can't spank? I wipe silverwear. Does that make me a control freak? Of course not. I don't take it as a personal attack cuz I know it's simply a generalization. Surely not all JAPS drive beamers or whatever. So what if it's written as such?

    People like Ned feed on this shite and look for opportunities to cut everything down. Again, who cares? Do you think he's really serious? Can he really think that SK's word is gospel? Hell no, he enjoys the controversey and the more you attack him, the more he loves it.

    Again I say, chill out people.

  11. I second SK's comment. Again…I was being sarcastic. Har, har, feckin' har. Perhaps from now on I shall actually write "wink-wink" in lieu of my disdain for those bloody semicolon-used-as-winking-faces. I can't possibly believe in reality, S. actually consults or checks off this "list," which is obviously meant to entertain us readers.

  12. hey Tom and Robotnik, get a room already. your pent up homosexual lust for each other is obvious to everyone on the comment board. just get married and move in together so we dont have to read your stupid ass comments to each other here anymore.

  13. Wow, Stephanie, your commentors sure are a serious lot. Mine just write things like, "Write more stories about getting drunk please."

    Anyway, you've outdone me with 48 flavors of men to avoid. Excellent.

  14. Oh, c'mon – I'd think it sweet if a guy offered to cook on first or second date. Maybe he IS broke and can't afford expensive dinners? So what? Cooking takes effort – pickin up the phone and making reservations does not.

    And #27 is way off. My boyfriend of 5 years has a degree in fine arts. However, that doesn't pay the bills. He does white collar work, and has never had his art in a gallery. I always encourage him to keep in practice and even buy him the canvas/sketch pads. It's a creative hobby and a good one. I'd put his creations up on our apartment walls and that's "gallery" enough for me. Art (musically or otherwise) does not always have to be for recognition.

  15. Wait- Stephanie, you forgot:

    "Any man that wear a T-shirt under a button down. Total loser who has no style, and is hopeless in learning it."

  16. …in re that list…any man who does anything with her other than have sex with her and leave immediately deserves all the grief he gets, which will be considerable. Actually, even having sex with such an angry, humorless, self-involved cretin would bring some grief with it, too.

    From "my really cool boyfriend,"

  17. I agree with many of these, but…
    27. I enjoy lots of things at which I'm only marginally talented, and which I will never do professionally. I wouldn't want someone to hold it against me.
    and
    9. I hope he never stops. :)

  18. CiaoRoma , you just disquallified half of white-collar america (the other half has boobs).

  19. Oh, and while I am at it…
    Manhattan Rule #32, and men to avoid rule #49:

    Do not date people who make lists like these and put them on the web. Even if you do pass all of their tests and rules, the rules will soon be expanded to include you too.

  20. Hey Nick-

    I'm just pointing out the stylistic inadequacies of her ex-husband. The loser, whom allegedly is coveted by many of NYC's most eligible bachelorettes.

    Thanks- Ciao!

  21. She writes for herself, and is a fool if she doesn't expect a reaction. Either she means it, or not. Either way you take it, my reaction comes from the heart. Maybe you should NOT lighten up, Daniella, it might be a little more interesting than giggling behind your hand at more male-bashing crap.

  22. You are absolutely destined to remain alone for the rest of your life. May god have pitty on your lonely sad little soul.

  23. I have spent the last several of my life trying to avoid uppity bitches like you. Its good to know that I no longer have to as they know to avoid me. You would clearly never live up to your own standards, nor anyone's who might actually pass yours.
    So, again, thank you for doing the work and staying away from guys like me, because I sure as hell don't want anything to do with Uppity Bitches like you.

  24. GOD FORBID A GAL LIKE A FUNNY GUY WHO APPRECIATES THE FINER THINGS IN LIFE (ie the SIMPSONS spelled without an appostrophe S which would infact denote possession where, in this case, there is none.)My boyfriend and I have enjoyed such activities as shoving food items up our noses in public places, square dancing in the street, laughing at fart jokes, romantic nights infront of the boob tube watching Spongebob Squarepants, reciting entire scenes of either The Monty Pythons, The Simpsons, Aqua Teen Hunger Force, The Family Guy, Futurama etc…..

    You're too uptight. You're so preoccupied looking for the right guy that you don't stop to enjoy the fun part of dating. Ten bucks says you'll never marry cause your standards are too high for someone as obviously uneducated and unapreciative as you are. In old age you'll end up settling for the very guy you've spent too much time bashing.

    Good luck.

  25. I hate to come in on both sides of this debate, but, mandy, she's obviously well-educated, just a little bit misdirected. Let's steer this discussion back to somewhere a little more polite…

  26. Good grief! These two entries about 'men to avoid' and 'women to avoid' are funny. Both have errors (obviously!), but both also have some truth. What I believe it boils down to is when looking for a partner/relationship, the individuals need to mesh, need to be able to get along. Several of the responses here are quite harsh; most, however, are perfectly valid critiques or remarks. That's cool. But good God people, I'm sure these 'lists' are not meant to be entirely serious or fully comedic (or wholly representative of their respective authors). If that's the case, then those being overly critical need to lighten up and take things less seriously. No one's perfect. The sooner you accept that, the better off you'll be. I personally found these lists to be quite humorous. So just keep any/all criticisms constructive.

  27. Hey Dude! What's wrong with quoting the Simpsons yo? They're Da Bomb biggety.

    Seriously, I like the Simpsons – that show is genius and doesn't really belong in the same category as Ben Stiller comedies at all.

  28. Stephanie, just writing to say that i thoroughly enjoyed your list of men to avoid. Although I fall under some of the anti-criteria for finding a man, I would enjoy the chance to prove those points wrong. With your obvious intelligence and clever personality (i will admit i browsed the photo's as well), I'm sure you don't stay single for any lengthy periods of time.

  29. hey- add this one: Avoid dudes who hit on girls in the comments section of a blog. They're not man enough to become a REAL stalker and will never meet one's need for undying attention.

    key-rist, boys, get a fecking life.

  30. damn white bitches are fuckin' stupid and shallow.
    I hope a terrorist attack takes place at my university when these white bitches are having their bitch fest
    BEEYATCH!!!!!!!!!

  31. i like when guy's trim….

    and some of the other ones are completely sexist, but whatever..

  32. Regarding sexism: well, the lists ARE called MEN/WOMEN TO AVOID.

    SK: your list is hilarious, and you and your journal are awesome. I love reading it. I recently lost my bookmarks and I'm SO GLAD I found this page again. I love your "Must reads".

  33. As an unapologeticly sexist male, I find that list completely reasonable. I also find it interesting that none of those 48 things would have disqualified Ted Bundy.

  34. That was the biggest load of feminist shit I have ever heard in my entire life. I can't believe some crazy whore would actually have the guts to let people know just how jaded she is. Any guys would do well to avoid her.

  35. I agree with you Paz. I'm a guitarist myself (10 years now), but I don't do it professionally–though I would love to. I write songs–often about the women I'm seeing, record them the best I can, and that satisfies me.

    And besides, I've heard from a ton of my girl-friends that having a song written about them (heh… assuming it's a love song and not a "$#! YOU!" song) is one of the sweetest things they can think of. They feel "immortalized" almost.

  36. I thought it was all GREAT – but then, I'm an old married guy who doesn't have to worry about the pressures of the dating scene. All I have to deal with is keep the woman who chose me (despite my many and obvious faults) happy and entertained for another 32 years or so…

    Thanks for the laughs.

  37. Good reading here… strangely enough, I found your blog on Google searching for info on a wrinkle cream.

  38. So…what this article is saying is that we, females should just turn lesbian.

  39. PARTIAL REBUTTAL

    “If he wants to cook you a romantic dinner on the second date, he’s cheap.”

    Incorrect. If he’s not a good cook it means he wants you in his flat so he can get into your pants. If he is a good cook he’ll spend $$ on the ingredients – he’s not cheap, he likes you and wants to impress you… so he can get into your pants.

    “He drinks pink adult beverages claiming he’s fine with his sexuality. You’ll have to fight over your china pattern, bedding fabric, and candle scent. And he’ll critique your shoes.”

    Possibly incorrect. My Negroni cocktails are pink but them babies are about as bitter and manly as you can get. The china is yours, any bedding fabric works as long as it’s not sandpaper, any candle scent as long as it’s not puke-inducing. And I’ll never notice your shoes.

    “If he rides the cart at the supermarket, and you’re hoping he’ll grow out of it once your basket is filled with Luvs, find another love.”

    Need more precision here. Inside the supermarket – loser. In the parking lot taking an empty back where it belongs – eternally youthful and likely an energetic lover.

    “When he examines all the flatware and then polishes it with his napkin while you’re out to dinner, he’s a control freak who will obsess over the organization of your entire life, right down to the coat closet.”

    … unless said flatware came complete with food/grease on it, in which case he’s classy enough not to eat someone else’s leftovers and man enough to take care of the problem himself.

    “The Oral Sex South Beach Dieter: if he won’t eat carbs, he’ll suck at eating you in bed.”

    So much fail. You’re talking about a guy who eats steak, chops, and bacon.

    “If he can’t IM you and still get his work done, he’s a horrible multi-tasker; you’ll never achieve simultaneous orgasms.”

    … or he’s not quite as needy as you.

    “Bankers or hedgefunders who still consider themselves bankers past the age of 29; they’re insecure and hopelessly dull.”

    … or just really good at it and possibly million/billionaires. Your loss.

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