I’m patient when it comes to slow learners and traffic. I can even handle anonymous inconsideration, which is evident by all the rude comments I leave up on my blog. Clearly my patience is not genetic.
"Holy motherfcuker, Stephanie, listen to what I just did." It’s my sister Lea in from the cold Manhattan streets, unwrapping herself and unleashing Linus. But I’m going to give you the condensed version of her chatter because Miss Lea couldn’t find the point to her story if it poked her in the rectum. "These English people stole my parking spot. And I’m sorry, but they so didn’t know who they were fcuking with."
"Yeah, this uptight lady yells from her uptight car, ‘oh sorry, your loss, now go toss off.’ I was like, there’s no way she just did that. I mean, at first I tried to be nice with the ‘excuse me, you probably weren’t aware, but I was backing into that spot.’ And then I get a ‘toss off? Oh fcuk her." Lea has one of the filthiest mouths and sense of humor I know.
"So what did you do?"
"Wait, you don’t understand. I was driving around for an HOUR, circling for that damn spot. And she took it? What the motherfcuk and her goddamn Mercedes hatchback. Suck my ass." She’s red-faced, but it’s not from the cold. "So anyway, they walk off, and I finally find a spot. Poor Linus vomited on the passenger side mat, too, from all the driving." Poor baby Linus was now "henning" with his toy frog. (When Linus enjoys a toy, he sometimes props himself up on his hind legs while he’s still lying down, so he looks like a hen warming his eggs.) "So once they were gone, I let the air out of one of their tires, those fcuking Versace women. They were just like Rome." Ah, yes, want to launch me over to your side immediately? Tell me she’s just like my ex-nightmare-in-law, Rome.
"Jesus Lea. Did anyone see you?"
"Yeah, Linus saw me. And he shit when he saw it. So I scooped that shite up and smeared it on her windshield, and under all the door handles. I’d fcuking love to see what happens to that bitch’s manicure."
These are both things I would never do. Grabbing a dick is one thing. Grabbing and smearing shit is quite another.