anonymous inconsideration

In ALL, FAMILY MATTERS by Stephanie Klein33 Comments

I’m patient when it comes to slow learners and traffic.  I can even handle anonymous inconsideration, which is evident by all the rude comments I leave up on my blog.  Clearly my patience is not genetic.

"Holy motherfcuker, Stephanie, listen to what I just did."  It’s my sister Lea in from the cold Manhattan streets, unwrapping herself and unleashing Linus.  But I’m going to give you the condensed version of her chatter because Miss Lea couldn’t find the point to her story if it poked her in the rectum. "These English people stole my parking spot.  And I’m sorry, but they so didn’t know who they were fcuking with."

"English people?"

"Yeah, this uptight lady yells from her uptight car, ‘oh sorry, your loss, now go toss off.’ I was like, there’s no way she just did that.  I mean, at first I tried to be nice with the ‘excuse me, you probably weren’t aware, but I was backing into that spot.’ And then I get a ‘toss off? Oh fcuk her."  Lea has one of the filthiest mouths and sense of humor I know.

"So what did you do?"

"Wait, you don’t understand.  I was driving around for an HOUR, circling for that damn spot.  And she took it?  What the motherfcuk and her goddamn Mercedes hatchback.  Suck my ass."  She’s red-faced, but it’s not from the cold.  "So anyway, they walk off, and I finally find a spot.  Poor Linus vomited on the passenger side mat, too, from all the driving."  Poor baby Linus was now "henning" with his toy frog. (When Linus enjoys a toy, he sometimes props himself up on his hind legs while he’s still lying down, so he looks like a hen warming his eggs.)  "So once they were gone, I let the air out of one of their tires, those fcuking Versace women.  They were just like Rome."  Ah, yes, want to launch me over to your side immediately?  Tell me she’s just like my ex-nightmare-in-law, Rome. 

"Jesus Lea.  Did anyone see you?"

"Yeah, Linus saw me.  And he shit when he saw it.  So I scooped that shite up and smeared it on her windshield, and under all the door handles.  I’d fcuking love to see what happens to that bitch’s manicure."

These are both things I would never do.  Grabbing a dick is one thing.  Grabbing and smearing shit is quite another.   

Comments

  1. Holy Shit! That is the funniest thing I've read (or heard) all day! Your sister rocks.

  2. Bob Levy of the Washington Post witnessed something like this years ago. A woman in a Toyota 'stole' another woman's parking spot and had the gall to roll down her window and say "it's nice to be quick." The other woman lined up her Cadillac, put it in reverse, crashed her Cadillac into the Toyota, and got out and said, "it's nice to be rich."

  3. Oh I so wish I could do things like that. My luck they'd figure out it was me and I'd get busted. But I can still imagine it…

  4. That is hysterical. I have wanted to do something like that sooo many times but have never had the guts…

  5. Klein sisters strike again…News at 11.

    No seriously…you two are a bunch of bad asses with mean streaks. It is like Jekyll and Hyde. Granted Lea stepped up a notch from yours with the flat tire and shit. As weird as it may sound, the shit is understandable and I would have done that too (although I hope she didn't bare hand it because that just ain't worth it). The tire is a bit too much and over the top.

    I think Lea should start her own blog too. I'm sure she's got tons of more stories like this.

  6. Loved this post. It does amaze me that you leave up all the obnoxious comments that people write on this blog. Constructive critisism is one thing, but I think the rude idiotic comments have gotten a bit ridiculous at times. Anyway, I'm sure you know most people who read your blog love your stories and your style of writing. I do wonder who these anonymous morons are.

  7. HOLY CRAP! thats FUNNY ! i always think of doing stuff like that, but to read that someone actually did that is pretty awesome ! LEA ROCKS!

  8. Air out of the tires, however inconvenient, can always be refilled fairly easily. It's harmless fun and makes you feel good. If you really want to feel GREAT, like your jaded self has really 'motherfucked them', then try slicing the valve stem. Ain't no air going back in that tire!! Oh what a feeling that is……illegal? Perhaps! orgasmic? Nearly! satisfying? Absomotherfuckinglutely! Have I ever done it? Fahrizzle Manizzle!

  9. …"He sees you when you're sleeping, he knows when you're awake; He knows if you've been bad or good so be good for"…

    Aw hell. If you're gonna be bad, be THIS GOOD at it, like the Dick-Grabbin', Shit-Smearin, I'll-Deflate-Your-Mercedes-Driving-Hahvahd-Asses Klein Sisters. And their little dog, too!

    Way to go, all three of you!

  10. This lady who parks in the same lot as me at my house in Westchester hits my car everyday (we have assigned spaces) and makes dents in my doors. How do I know it's her? Her paint is all over my driver's side doors and my paint is on her doors from her constantly slamming them into my car.

    Long story short, I had been plotting putting a cinderblock through her windshield one night while eating a takeout order of buffalo wings. When I finished my wings, I walked out to my car and thought I would throw away the wings in the dumpster full well knowing that a family of raccoons dine in the dumpster after dark.

    It was at that moment I came up with a very bright idea…

    I took all that remained of the wings and threw them on her hood in the hopes the raccoon family would climb on up with their claws outstretched and make her hood look like the ice at MSG in between periods of a Ranger game.

    Needless to say it worked and she moved to another space on the very incovenient side of the parking lot far from her condo to avoid those marauding raccoons.

    It's not shit on the door handle, but raccoons on the hood were clearly satisfying.

  11. Derek, actually I stand by my comment in the following sense. Bob Levy wrote that he witnessed such an incident in his column; whether he in fact did witness such an incident is another issue. If I recall correctly there was no age difference between the two women.

    Let's not forget the southern 'soccer mom' driver who shot in the face another 'soccer mom' driver who was approaching to confront the shooter for her earlier road rage. That's not an urban legend, even though it is outrageous enough to appear so. The shooter claimed (or her lawyer claimed) she was acting in self-defense. I don't know why it is so hard for many people to act rationally.

  12. We're all overworked, overstressed automatons. It's the System's fault. Throw in the "bearing arms" verbiage in the Constitution and a superior sense of imperialism, and there you have it; the most hated country/people in the world right now. I can totally understand the post and SK's sister's anger at the inconsiderate piece of swine who stole the spot…it's just a shame it has now come down to that–on BOTH sides.

  13. This was too funny LOL

    So someone else with my name, yet diff person, clearly has the same karma as I do so ditto her comment :-)

  14. Remember the Fried Green Tomatoes moment- "I'm older and I have more insurance". Yup. Towanda! :)

    I do think that these moments of aggressiveness comes partly from living in such close proximity to so many people. People get really pissy, and cranky, and it's hard NOT to want to bash them in the face or smear dog poo on their cars. I like the racoon story too. I hate it when someone dents my car, but I can never tell who did it. That's good. There's a certain satisfaction in doing something mean back. The hoot of joy when Kathy Bates' character rammed the cute little VW and the skinny minny chippies stood there helpless. Why read Stephanie's blog if you're looking for Mother Theresa? I could understand stumbling in here once and being surprised, but if you've been here before, don't you know she's got a history of not being on the good girl list?

    Also, I don't think that the negative commenters who constantly have to criticize realize that most likely, the blog posts get even more outrageous to get a rise out of you folks. We all have our moments of "Naughty." Our fantasies about ramming into the car that just cut us off in the parking lot. So don't act so high and mighty just because you haven't actually done it. In the Catholic church, you have sins of thought too. If you've thought about committing the sin, it's almost as good as having done it on the "penance" factor.

    Besides, the British chick was being a shit, so she got some shit. It's metaphorically perfect.

  15. Ned, Ms. Klein rubs more class out of her weary eyes in the morning than you have stashed away throughout that High Karate soaked, polyester covered ass of yours. You probably have all the perception of class as Larry Flynt in a strip club.

    Don't you have some 20-nothing, inebriated socialite to try to impress with your witty comments, instead of handing down judgement upon a woman who has certainly lived a much fuller life than yourself? It seems to me to be a hell of a lot more classy to honestly write about your own life experiences, than to sit back and hide behind unoriginal comments regarding others.

  16. Bravo Squeaker. My coffee had not kicked in yet when I read NED's comment. He's quite a character. Anyway, I can sympathize with Lea, and hope the 'Versace women' learned a durable lesson.

  17. too funny! Revenge, a wonderful medicine. or so you think, until you get caught. Reminds we of the "tawanda" scene in the movie, "Friend Green Tommatoes." Someone steals her parking spot so after the person leaves their car and enters the store, "tawanda" rams her car into the other. Something I probably would never be driven to do, however, sometimes wish I were so gutsy!

  18. PS- I totally understand how some brits are completely inconsiderate, now that I live in London. However, one can find people like that just about anywhere in the world.

  19. Yeah, those damn mother fuckers! If the story was told in the long version…you might get a better understanding of the situation. SO, let me tell those of you who care…

    The light turns green, and the mint green tic-tac colored Mercedes in front of me rounds the corner. A little taupe Toyota begins to pull out of the 'No Parking Zone'/pump (at the beginning of basically every city block), so, understandably, the minty fresh car slows. And because I am a quality New York driver, I forsee the situation…"anticipate" if you will. Taupe Toyota pulls out, and the green Pepto colored bubble proceeds to drive… SLAM! Slams on brakes and hits reverse! What, what, what?!

    No signal…no idea that they were going to three-point park into the "not really a parking spot" spot. I have no where to go, and the cars behind me have already started honking their horns. I back up the three inches that I could in order to let them try and get into this "spot". Meanwhile, some annoying onlooker yells "Stop honking! Noise pollution!"

    "Fuckin' A! Shut up lady!" I say to myself. Although the window is open and some little devil inside is wanting this clueless lady to hear me. Hee, hee, hee.

    Window rolls down and the words come out of the bitch's mouth, "Can't you see we're trying to park?!"

    "No shit lady. Where would you like me to go? Huh?"

    The mint car continues to back up, nearly hitting my car. Once they finish with two points, I peel out with frustration…and also to let some people behind me make it past the light…who already crossed over the line. Grrr.

    Mind you I have been looking for a spot for an hour already! About half way down the block, I find a tiny spot on the right, I signal, and wait to park so that the people behind me can make the light up ahead! Totally conscious of the other drivers and their road rage at this point. So, the cars pass…

    I start to back up into the spot, and all of a sudden, the fucking mint green 90's space cruiser fronts into my spot! Who the fuck are they kidding?!

    They proceed to pull up…not giving a shit if they hit my car…a BMW. Huh.

    I hit reverse, the window goes down, "Lady, you do not know who you are fucking with!"

    "Oh, fuck off!"

    That was it! Rage!

    Another 2 and a half hours later…still only finding a spot 5 blocks away from my sister's apartment…you can imagine how pissed I was!

    Went upstairs, peed, and then took Linus for a walk…looking for poop…yes, with the intention of smearing it on the minty, soon to be non-fresh, car. No poop…only one little hard dried up turd. Can you believe that? No poop around a whole city block? What the fuck?!

    I circled again…still no poop. I started to scan the area around the parked car…could I get away with letting the air out of the tires? Hmm?

    I walked back and forth until not many people were around…and I began to release the air…like pent-up hot gas…bursting…and slowly dying down…almost until the tire was completely flat!

    But was that all I was going to do? Please Linus…poop. Praying for poop, I head back to the apartment building.

    Just as we're about to go inside, Linus does the dance. Yes, the circle dance before he is about to poop! There is a G-d!

    Steaming poop, half-hard, with liquid 'rhea dripping like hot fudge on a sundae!!! Heee, heee, hee! Yeah boyyyyy!!!!!!!

    I grabbed the wad of paper towels I gathered before we left for our walk…and got as much as I could get…headed to the victim's car…with a huge laughing smile on my face.

    "Good boy Linus! Yeah, Auntie Lea loves you! Oh, good boy!"

    Walk up to the car…grab the handle of the driver's side…smush!!! Pushed so that the goo started to come through the top part of the handle…with the solid portion still beneath the main handle. Hhaaaaa! Smear the rest on the front window and leave the wad of papers covered in poop for them to clean up with.

    As I walked away, a feeling of victory came over me…

    "Yeah, welcome to New York bitch!"

    Good story, huh?
    Now every time the door man with his braided rat-tail sees me, he smiles and says, "The Badass".

    Oh, and I kept coming down the elevator to see if they got to their car yet! I missed them! That really would have been the best part. That'll teach her- go back to fuckin' England ya cunt rag!

  20. Mr. Class, I mean NED, I am sure that your significant other wears white sweatshirts decorated with puff-paint cats holding candy canes over to your Mother's house for Christmas. How wonderful?! But guess what? They swallow. Everyone can be considered class-less…and that is evident after reading all of your comments.

    As Al Pacino's character states at the end of Scent of A Woman, "well fuck you too"!

  21. OH MAN ! Lea needs to have a blog now. im still laughing ! WAY TO GO LEA !! hahahahahahahaha

  22. NED…it seems pathetic that someone who has so much shit to say about SK has the time to check up on her blog every day and write nasty comments, why bother?

  23. Hey Steph!

    I only saw a couple of the comments in the Rat Post and I agree that you should have removed it. I think you need to just tell your critics to fuck off. If they don't like your blog, no one is forcing them to read it! I'm sure they have full lives and can find something else to do….

  24. I hate parking. And I hate people who do stuff like stealing people's parking spots. Your sister rocks.

    Once when trying to find a spot in a garage is *gasp* Fort Lee [yuck]. Someone with their Mercedes SUV thing had parked over two spots hoping to protect their brand new toy.

    Well, to hell with them I say. Since I have a compact Civic and a ginger touch behind the wheel I eased it into the half spot. Getting out the driver's side door was a challenge. Then I decided it really wasn't and just slammed my door against their door/mirror until I was able to squeeze myself out.

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