make

In ALL, EXCERPTS by Stephanie Klein13 Comments

I was carrying diapers when it happened. Luvs, actually.

The beauty of having a small dog is his craps are rarely bigger than baby organic carrots. So I can encourage him to crap on the floor of my apartment. “Go on the papers. Go on the papers. That’s my good sweet bean.” Okay, not on the wooden floors themselves, but on a wee wee pad placed on the floor.

At 9:30pm, the pet stores were closed, and I was in a panic. The last of the wee wee pads was tossed; Linus had nowhere appropriate to “make.”

make: I love this word. “Can you please pull over; I have to make.” “Make what?” “You know, make.” I also love saying, “Baby, let’s go make it.” It’s so retro; it’s like a full-grown bush.

Of course I can take The Lineman outside for a sprinkle here and there, but I don’t do it consistently: work keeps me late. wine keeps me flirty for too long. winter keeps me inside and lazy. I was in a stitch. A stitch summoned me to the grocery store in search of wee wee pads.

Grocery stores are always cold; I hate the freezer isle, despite the ice cream. I’m in sweats and a wifebeater looking I-really-don’t-care-how-I-look-but-I-look-hot-in-this-don’t-I. My nipples are erect. I’m clutching rawhide and a thick plastic sack of diapers because wee wee pads are not sold in grocery stores. Then it happens. Hot grocery store man catches my eye across the isle. Our eyes lock, and we both look too long for it to be an accident. Then I look down. He looks down. I was suddenly 14 years old, carrying tampons, or worse, some sort of maxi pad box.

I’m carrying diapers. My Luvs bolted for the door.

Comments

  1. Oh, don't you just hate it when something happens that takes you back to the torment of adolescence? Sometimes I miss the excitement of being a teenager, but more often than not, I am glad that is all behind me!

  2. I know it goes against the dog's nature, but what about a litter tray? Conveniently gets rid of the whole diaper issue…

  3. i suppose i am partly to blame…i shall frequent the store for you consistently till i find this man and convince him you're entirely date-able, sans baby (human baby to be specific).

  4. FYI your website rocks and prob was the only thing that saved me from terminal boredom during my horrible summer internship. You need to go the route of Aaron Karo and write a book already! Your better…..By far.

  5. Sounds like a fool to make an unwarranted assumption simply on the basis of some diapers. I am kidding. I am being unjustifiably harsh. Unwarranted assumptions are the achilles heel of the logic world, but who can claim not to have made a few or even many. You should have told him "come back, I am not done with you." There is an information asymmetry and you should have taken control.

    I used to always worry about my older brother finding someone and getting married, but one day he said hello to someone, in circumstances similar to the one described above. Now I have a 2.5 year old niece who wants to put me on her lap in the car and take me to coldstone creamery for ice cream where she will carry me through the door and place me on a seat while she buys some for me. It sometimes happens this way, and one shouldn't pollute one's mind with the sour grapes of Aesop fable fame–he/she most probably was not worth my attention anyway. My sister-in-law has a Phd (my brother only a BS) and her brother (also a Phd) is the co-founder of Spacequest, a satellite firm with about 10 satellites up in orbit. A former colleague, a Harvard Law grad, met his future wife in France while he was going up some steps at a historical site and she was going down the same steps. And God as my witness, the following is true as hard as it is to believe. A friend with a Stanford Phd met his future wife when her father had a car accident in front of his house. It sometimes starts with "hello." And sometimes it's better to be lucky and act spontaneously than to be smart and calculating. Density estimators are worse than naive bayesian classifiers because they "overfit" the data. So there. Even in artifical intelligence and machine learning 'naivete' has some value. Unwarranted assumptions make one reach conclusions that are not supported by the available data. It's a thought worth carrying around even though it's not easy to apply all the time.

  6. I think Adam is trying to tell us all to just be ourselves and stop trying to play the part. Don't judge someone based upon what they do, what their background is, etc. Because if we do, we may actually miss out on something that could be the best thing to come into our lives. I totally agree. Adam, if I am misinterpreting you, then let me know.

  7. I think Adam is trying to tell us all to just be ourselves and stop trying to play the part. Don't judge someone based upon what they do, what their background is, etc. Because if we do, we may actually miss out on something that could be the best thing to come into our lives. I totally agree. Adam, if I am misinterpreting you, then let me know.

  8. I think Adam is trying to tell us all to just be ourselves and stop trying to play the part. Don't judge someone based upon what they do, what their background is, etc. Because if we do, we may actually miss out on something that could be the best thing to come into our lives. I totally agree. Adam, if I am misinterpreting you, then let me know.

  9. My dog also goes on the floor but instead of pee pads I use a plastic trash bag (the really big ones with no strings work best). I spread it on the floor and then put newspapers over it, leaving a bit of plastic margin all around. I find it very convenient and cheaper than the pads.

  10. My first post seems a bit disembodied and out of context but I missed sending it when I first saw the bit about Linus and his pee pads so.. I also forgot to say that I think you are great and that I love your blog but I am not a great writer so I will stop here. Best wishes.

  11. Why not take the poor Linus out for a "make" while purchasing your Luvs. Dogs deserve their daily walk like you deserve your daily glass of high-class, expensive white wine. WALK THE DOG!

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