"I learned a lot." People say as they reflect on a hurtful past. What should we say? I was curled in fetal position for so long on the bathroom floor, that when I did actually sleep, I dreamt in bathroom tiles? You don’t want to hear that. You want to learn what we learned. When we’re in pain, we learn and grow.
Well, then I’m enormous.
I never asked, "Why me?" because I believe we all suffer in this lifetime. Whether we were abused as children or survive our own, it’s the human condition to experience suffering. We’ve all got to face it, and it’s how we react to our circumstances that really demonstrates who we really are.
If my suffering was a movie, I’d be up to the credits. I really hope between adolescence and Gabe it’s all good from here. Clear skies with Tom Petty and the top down.
It was glorious being pregnant and married. I never cared that I was Mrs. Josh Dines, but the Mrs. part felt like a dream. Learning he was out without his band of gold, telling lies in my mouth, and completely disrespecting our vows and my heart—not as dreamy. When I had an abortion, he didn’t offer. He didn’t show. He was a boy who couldn’t step up to be a man. And I loved him, but I walked.
People ask me why I married him. Jewish, wealthy, funny, charming, good-looking, very well-educated, and a great dresser… and he wanted me? I mean, if I met that now, my friends would squeal and smile, gripping handfuls of my shirt as they pull me closer for the juicy details. But if I learned anything, it’s just not about all that. It’s really really not. See, that’s where my self-esteem was. I felt special that someone I greatly esteemed actually wanted me, Moose. Mister scholar athlete of the year, every year, wanted me. Ironically, it made me feel respected. People noticed me now. I worried I’d go back to ugly without him.
“What was I thinking?” has wept in my hands. I was behaving and making decisions out of fear. Feared I would never do better (now I know… how could I do any worse?). If you’re afraid and allowing the emotion of fear help you make decisions, you will have regrets. You will learn from them, but they’ll be regrets.
Honestly, I loved him. I really really did. And you know, he did love me too. He really did. Below is an instant messenger conversation I had with him years ago. And you wonder, in its reading if that couple was going to make it. It all looks good. But the boy broke my heart to pieces with his recklessness. I mean just wiped the floor with me.
It’s one thing to fall out of love, but quite another to come home every day trying to get me pregnant while he knew he was running around town with another woman. Then again, who knows how many there were. There’s never just one cockroach. Bottom line, he lacks character, conscience, and soul. He’s vapid. I wonder if he regrets it. Something tells me he doesn’t for a second. I think that’s even worse; it’s such an empty life. It’s remarkably horrible.