daddy dearest

June 21, 2004

my lists

kleinclan

Things I learned from my father:

1. To pretend I have a small hole in the seat of my pants, to lure an innocent in closer, to then “brootz” in their face.
2. To call a fart a “brootz.”
3. You can never go wrong with the truth.
4. He’ll always be proud of me.
5. To look it up in the dictionary.
6. Feelings don’t know right from wrong.
7. Don’t worry about what other people think. Don’t disappoint yourself.
8. Men need time to unwind.
9. Dungarees are jeans.
10. To saran wrap the toilet bowl.
11. When something terrible happens, you learn who your real friends are.
12. It can always get worse.
13. There’s nothing more important than your health—even if getting a hole in one seems important at the time.
14. To cover an opponent by watching their hips in Basketball.
15. That women don’t like football because they don’t understand it.
16. To answer “medium rare” when they ask how I’d like it.
17. To use chopsticks.
18. Men are shallow dogs.
19. How to castle.
20. I can do anything I set my mind to.
21. There are good men out there.
22. Class.
23. To love Classic Rock.
24. The good lord will take care of you.
25. To hate corny jokes.
26. To find the sound of a golf tournament or baseball game soothing.
27. What a “greaser” is.
28. Freeze chocolate bars.
29. A smattering of Yiddish: “Kakameyme” “Khutspa” “Kibitz” “Kvel” “Kinahurra” and those are just the K’s.
30. Life is better with a goodie.
31. To meditate.
32. To short sheet a bed.
33. Sometimes you have to do things you don’t like to do.
34. There’s a big difference between passion and love.
35. To heat a banana and eat it with chocolate sauce.
36. To respect myself.
37. To outline, study, and use index cards.
38. Patience.
39. To apologize, sometimes just to smooth things over. Sometimes because I mean it.
40. Few things are more valuable than knowledge and a good education.
41. To be like Cool Hand Luke, or at least try to be.
42. Men love women for how she loves him.
43. Women love men who they love.
44. To love Laurel & Hardy.
45. To eat the heart of an artichoke.
46. How to double jump in checkers.
47. Organize.
48. To spell machine, in first grade, by teaching me a joke.
49. To appreciate black & white movies (my first was March of the Wooden Soldiers).
50. That if a woman is beautiful, she can wear a garbage bag. No one is looking at her shoes, and no one cares if it’s Chanel.
51. Disqualify a man with any addictions.
52. I need a man, not a boy.
53. To play scrabble.
54. I’m beautiful.
55. The story of ewwy gewy.
56. Bellybuttons are funny.
57. To be a good storyteller.
58. To fly a kite.
59. Men are like snakes. They’ll fcuk a hole in the ground. It’s more emotional for woman.
60. Nobody likes a nag.
61. When bored, it’s best to “go bang your head against the wall.”
62. You can’t force it.
63. This too shall pass.
64. Our parents always try to do the best they can. Sometimes they just don’t know.
65. There are more exciting card games out there than WAR.
66. Save.
67. Be respectful.
68. French fries are better well done.
69. The man should love the woman just a little bit more.
70. Keep a journal.
71. With a murderer you know what you’ve got. With a thief you know what you’ve got. But with a liar, you never know what you’re dealing with.
72. If I’m going to smoke, do it in the safety of home, and make sure it’s not laced.
73. Bellybuttons can smell.
74. It’s better to smell than to stink.
75. Find what you love. Do it. Figure out a way to get paid for it. (Sorry, dad, I can’t get paid to masturbtae.)
76. Writing isn’t just helpful as a catharsis when we’re distressed; it can enhance your life.
77. To rub a bald head with a paper towel.
78. The difference between an Allen, Philips, and Flathead.
79. To accept the nickname Slide with grace.
80. To bluff.
81. Never to say “I told you so.”
82. How to make bacon. And how to make bacon.
83. To drive (albeit badly).
84. That I am needy, just like he is.
85. To RELAX, and how to never tell anyone to RELAX.
86. That a condom is a rubber.
87. What a penis is.
88. What it means to have balls.
89. A gentleman will walk you to your door, put you in a cab, drop you off while he finds parking, give you his umbrella, and have courage and class.
90. To reach.
91. To read a map.
92. “Yes, dear.”
93. Don’t sit too close to the television.
94. To pump gas.
95. To pass gas and announce it.
96. Timing.
97. To pack by rolling things.
98. Unconditional love.
99. What a hero is.
100. What it’s like to have a true best friend.

Get On It (Keep On It)

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24 Responses to “daddy dearest”

  1. hugo Says:

    i don't mean to ruin your post with a shallow-as-shit comment, but you look great in that pic! :)

    Reply

  2. Michael Says:

    My dad has been dead for nearly 34 years. We did not have a chance to get really close as adults. I learned rectitude, a little about golf, and a lot about cigarette smoking by observing him. The cigarettes and the golf eventually went away. I wish we had had time for more.

    Reply

  3. Brian Says:

    I have a five-year old daughter, and just went through that list to see how I'm doing so far… Thanks for the roadmap.

    Reply

  4. Tom Says:

    Thanks. Made me think about all of the things my dad taught me.

    Reply

  5. Franklin Says:

    1. To pretend I have a small hole in the seat of my pants, to lure an innocent in closer, to then “brootz” in their face.
    -did you ever try it?

    2. To call a fart a “brootz.”

    -do you still do it?
    3. You can never go wrong with the truth.

    "it's easier to remember"
    4. He’ll always be proud of me.
    "Does not have to like you, but he gotta love you"

    5. To look it up in the dictionary.

    I keep one in my bathroom
    6. Feelings don’t know right from wrong.

    no they do not
    7. Don’t worry about what other people think. Don’t disappoint yourself.

    only worry about yourself
    8. Men need time to unwind.

    and then time again to wind up.
    9. Dungarees are jeans.

    levi's are dungarees, jeans are jeans
    10. To saran wrap the toilet bowl.

    take it you did not have a brother?
    11. When something terrible happens, you learn who your real friends are.

    And then you realize whom you want around you.
    12. It can always get worse.

    and can never get better, sometimes
    13. There’s nothing more important than your health—even if getting a hole in one seems important at the time.

    TRUE
    14. To cover an opponent by watching their hips in Basketball.

    fouling works better
    15. That women don’t like football because they don’t understand it.

    no they are just bored by it.

    16. To answer “medium rare” when they ask how I’d like it.

    unless you like it RARE
    17. To use chopsticks.

    cheat, with a rubberband and the covering wadded up inbetween both chopsticks.
    18. Men are shallow dogs.

    They are shallow, all the time, dogs half the time.

    19. How to castle.

    just so long it is not a pawn

    20. I can do anything I set my mind to.

    Except joing AARP at 35

    21. There are good men out there.

    even the best men can be shallow

    22. Class.

    key in life

    23. To love Classic Rock.

    how classic?

    24. The good lord will take care of you.

    Will also take it away from you

    25. To hate corny jokes

    but sometimes they are fun.

    Reply

  6. Catey Says:

    If you are female and you talk to your Dad about some of this shit, you are one f*cked up family. Do you actually talk about masturbating with your father? That a man will fuck a hole in the ground?

    Nice platitudes for your father, but you contradict yourself. He taught you to have class, but then to announce when you have farted… or better yet, to fart in someone's face? Yes, very classy indeed.

    Reply

  7. Catey Says:

    If you are female and you talk to your Dad about some of this shit, you are one f*cked up family. Do you actually talk about masturbating with your father? That a man will fuck a hole in the ground?

    Nice platitudes for your father, but you contradict yourself. He taught you to have class, but then to announce when you have farted… or better yet, to fart in someone's face? Yes, very classy indeed.

    Reply

  8. Catey Says:

    If you are female and you talk to your Dad about some of this shit, you are one f*cked up family. Do you actually talk about masturbating with your father? That a man will fuck a hole in the ground?

    Nice platitudes for your father, but you contradict yourself. He taught you to have class, but then to announce when you have farted… or better yet, to fart in someone's face? Yes, very classy indeed.

    Reply

  9. bgl Says:

    what i learnt from my father is what i must not do to be a good father.
    he never put any effort in our relationship and then disappeared.
    what i learnt is the result of that.

    Reply

  10. Scott Nettles Says:

    > 39. To apologize, sometimes just to smooth things over. Sometimes because I mean it.

    This one is key. I'd say that 40% of why I ended up divorced is that my ex had to be right all the time and could never apologize.

    I have a date tonight with a, well fabulous, women. Oddly like my ex she is from Queens. But now in Austin. Guess I should ask her about this. It's a deal breaker for me.

    Anyway just discovered your blog. Enjoying it.

    Scott

    Reply

  11. sander Says:

    I thought the point of the Internet was that you can be paid to masturbate.

    (Someone needs to hit Catey. I think she's stuck.)

    Reply

  12. dina Says:

    I know her father, Catey, and he is the sweetest, classiest, funniest guys you could ever meet. I haven't seen him for years, but I hope he hasn't changed. I hope you do. It's o.k. to be honest with your kids even brutally honest!

    Reply

  13. Shlomo Sztinkfish Says:

    oy vey, that "brootz" stuff reminds so much of my own family traditions: we used to brootz into each others faces as much as we could after aunt perla had served us gefilte fish! vonderful, itz! i´ve already fallen in love wiz you, my prinzess.

    yours,
    Shlomo

    Reply

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