Things I learned from my father:
1. To pretend I have a small hole in the seat of my pants, to lure an innocent in closer, to then “britz” in their face.
2. To call a fart a “britz.”
3. You can never go wrong with the truth.
4. He’ll always be proud of me.
5. To look it up in the dictionary.
6. Feelings don’t know right from wrong.
7. Don’t worry about what other people think. Don’t disappoint yourself.
8. Men need time to unwind.
9. Dungarees are jeans.
10. To saran wrap the toilet bowl.
11. When something terrible happens, you learn who your real friends are.
12. It can always get worse.
13. There’s nothing more important than your health—even if getting a hole in one seems important at the time.
14. To cover an opponent by watching their hips in Basketball.
15. That women don’t like football because they don’t understand it.
16. To answer “medium rare” when they ask how I’d like it.
17. To use chopsticks.
18. Men are shallow dogs.
19. How to castle.
20. I can do anything I set my mind to.
21. There are good men out there.
23. To love Classic Rock.
24. The good lord will take care of you.
25. To hate corny jokes.
26. To find the sound of a golf tournament or baseball game soothing.
27. What a “greaser” is.
28. Freeze chocolate bars.
29. A smattering of Yiddish: “Kakameyme” “Khutspa” “Kibitz” “Kvel” “Kinahurra” and those are just the K’s.
30. Life is better with a goodie.
31. To meditate.
32. To short sheet a bed.
33. Sometimes you have to do things you don’t like to do.
34. There’s a big difference between passion and love.
35. To heat a banana and eat it with chocolate sauce.
36. To respect myself.
37. To outline, study, and use index cards.
39. To apologize, sometimes just to smooth things over. Sometimes because I mean it.
40. Few things are more valuable than knowledge and a good education.
41. To be like Cool Hand Luke, or at least try to be.
42. Men love women for how she loves him.
43. Women love men who they love.
44. To love Laurel & Hardy.
45. To eat the heart of an artichoke.
46. How to double jump in checkers.
48. To spell machine, in first grade, by teaching me a joke.
49. To appreciate black & white movies (my first was March of the Wooden Soldiers).
50. That if a woman is beautiful, she can wear a garbage bag. No one is looking at her shoes, and no one cares if it’s Chanel.
51. Disqualify a man with any addictions.
52. I need a man, not a boy.
53. To play scrabble.
54. I’m beautiful.
55. The story of ewwy gewy.
56. Bellybuttons are funny.
57. To be a good storyteller.
58. To fly a kite.
59. Men are like snakes. They’ll fcuk a hole in the ground. It’s more emotional for woman.
60. Nobody likes a nag.
61. When bored, it’s best to “go bang your head against the wall.”
62. You can’t force it.
63. This too shall pass.
64. Our parents always try to do the best they can. Sometimes they just don’t know.
65. There are more exciting card games out there than WAR.
67. Be respectful.
68. French fries are better well done.
69. The man should love the woman just a little bit more.
70. Keep a journal.
71. With a murderer you know what you’ve got. With a thief you know what you’ve got. But with a liar, you never know what you’re dealing with.
72. If I’m going to smoke, do it in the safety of home, and make sure it’s not laced.
73. Bellybuttons can smell.
74. It’s better to smell than to stink.
75. Find what you love. Do it. Figure out a way to get paid for it. (Sorry, dad, I can’t get paid to masturbtae.)
76. Writing isn’t just helpful as a catharsis when we’re distressed; it can enhance your life.
77. To rub a bald head with a paper towel.
78. The difference between an Allen, Philips, and Flathead.
79. To accept the nickname Slide with grace.
80. To bluff.
81. Never to say “I told you so.”
82. How to make bacon. And how to make bacon.
83. To drive (albeit badly).
84. That I am needy, just like he is.
85. To RELAX, and how to never tell anyone to RELAX.
86. That a condom is a rubber.
87. What a penis is.
88. What it means to have balls.
89. A gentleman will walk you to your door, put you in a cab, drop you off while he finds parking, give you his umbrella, and have courage and class.
90. To reach.
91. To read a map.
92. “Yes, dear.”
93. Don’t sit too close to the television.
94. To pump gas.
95. To pass gas and announce it.
97. To pack by rolling things.
98. Unconditional love.
99. What a hero is.
100. What it’s like to have a true best friend.
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