Monique and I are in the garden of Paradou. It’s June, time for salmon, asparagus and truffle oil, followed with strawberries and fresh clotted cream. We get half way there with a pressed mushroom, asiago, asparagus sandwich. And sure, a bottle of Sauvignon Blanc. Here’s what follows:
Metroseexuals can’t kiss worth their weight in Prada. They read articles about kissing and taking control in GQ and call it a day. They practice their I’m in control and going to have my way with you stare in the mirror. Then they spend another twenty minutes seeing how their sunglasses look when pushed onto their head. That about covers it. No, then back to the magazine for low-carb recipes. What in the hell is happening?
If you’re a man watching your weight, counting those carbs, do it Off Peak, please. While dining with a lady, if you happen to eat your burger without the bun, anticipate ‘visions.’ The visions flashing before your date’s eyes are not of muscles braiding around themselves, nope not washboards either. Here’s what she sees: your double knotting, your Brother P-touching the house, your racing to the bathroom after seex to clean, your holding surprise inspections of your children’s sock drawers. All that from a missing bun? Oh yes. See, a man who 666s the carbs, sucks in the bedroom. It’s about passion, depth, and soul, about not caring if your hair is perfect. Its singing with your eyes closed, I’m in the moment and don’t care who’s watching Hot. It’s all about a man taking what he wants, about living life without Men’s Health magazine. And if what you want is not to have carbs, it’s time to leave the city. If you can’t let it go, you’re never making it upstairs to her apartment. You think I’m crazy, well, you’re right. The good ones are always a little crazy. That’s why you like us.
If I wanted a lady, I’d curl up in bed with my remote and The L Word. And if you’re squeamish about that, go home and stop masquerading about town as available. Take a nature hiatus and join us in November. Maybe by then, you’ll be back on the carbs, just in time for stuffing.