laws of attraction

In ALL, LIFE OBSERVATIONS by Stephanie Klein6 Comments

No, not the Pierce Brosnan & Julianne Moore movie. You’ve heard it before in period pieces, “Around the mysteries of the female psyche lies a veil which is best left undisturbed.” Man, have I seen Little Women one time too many. Well lean in, I’m going to let you in on a secret, way better than even Victoria’s. I’m whispering so pay attention as the veil lifts.

Pheromones are bullshite. Upon learning about them, I was first in line at the cosmetic counter. You can buy perfume laced with pheromones; natural chemical scents the body produces to attract the opposite seex. I was ready and eager to attract a man, panting like Linus when he sees his leash. Thanks to Linus, really, the marketing spin on pheromones has been exposed to me.

See, Linus is a disaster bean of a dog. I love him to death, but he’s quite, ahem, boisterous. So, upon a landlord threat of vacating my “too loud” dog and me out of our upper west side apartment, I did what any mother would do. I ran to the pet store and pleaded with the saleswoman, “Please, give me anything to calm him down and make him stop barking.” Drugs, shocks, sprays… just don’t make me give up my apartment (for which I’ve spent too long picking out the perfect shades of paint). She handed me a box mid-sentence. In it contained a plug-in air freshener.

“No, see, you’ve got it quite wrong. He doesn’t smell. He’s too LOUD.” I say raising my voice. I need to calm down now too. She shakes her head, and points to the words on the box “Calming Pheromones.”

I assume you know by now; the plug-in was superfluous. What a hoax. It didn’t calm him down, not even for a second. But it did get me to thinking, is there anything at all to this pheromone business? I mean, dogs smell one another’s asses, get right up in there and inhale a mass of pheromones. There’s a lesson in there for attracting a mate… it’s too gross to not have a lesson it.

Sure, the padded bra, garters, and drum-tight pants help. But you might as well go for it. Dab some vagina behind your ears. Spread it around on any of your pressure points. Forget the vanilla and pumpkin pie scent. Who wants to smell of licorice? You want seex, smell like it. Just don’t do it around your dog.

Comments

  1. Well, kiddo, I don't know. It sounds good (in theory), but you probably need to test it for your women friends before taking it on the market. Decide whether that *natural* scent works as well for panting men as panting dogs. While we're on the subject, you might be better off sticking with Linus. He's no more noisy than the average human male during the Super Bowl, the Final Four, the World Series, or any playoff week you care to name, and he is likely to be a lot more faithful … a LOT. About all we can say for certain about men at this stage of the evolution of Homo sapiens is that you don't need to take a little plastic baggie with you when you walk them in the park. Oh, they'll still pee in the bushes, but at least they try to stay away from most foot traffic. Most days, anyway. Regards.

  2. I'm new to your blog, but absolutely love it and find it refreshing.

    "Dab some vagina behind your ears. Spread it around on any of your pressure points."

    JUST HYSTERICAL.

  3. Stephanie: I think I'd like to dab a little of yours behind my ears.

  4. see… it's interesting. i went on google looking for theories behind greek tragedy. you know, the whole strength is their downfall, suffering for one's actions, inevitable fate, arousing pity and fear/catharsis, etc. well i somehow found myself here… sure i should have known it would get me nowhere when its subtitle said stories of my life, but well what can i say, i was intrigued. so i take a look, recent posts, hm… 13 going on 30? i'm there. what can i say i'm a jennifer garner fan. the post, it was interesting… where else should i look? oh photo album! where do i head? straight to the nudes of course. photos, impressive. the next 27 minutes consisted of me browsing your site, going from link to link, checking out different categories. then i checked out the writing section. wow, that's a lot of writing. well at least now i've got something to read when insomnia hits. not that that's all this site is good for, but well if i spent all day reading your site, i'd be here for quite a while and my life would slowly deteriorate. hm… something just hit me. why am i writing so much to this stranger who probably won't even think twice about reading this long comment dismissing it as something unprofound? (arguably it is) hm… i don't know. well, since you said you love watching movies, i'll leave you with this quote. feel free to find it's origin.

    "Life is not merely a series of meaningless accidents or coincidences. Uh-uh. But rather, it is a tapestry of events that culminate into an exquisite, sublime plan."

    who knows where this event will lead…

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