in a relationship i try to follow these rules:

In ALL, INTROSPECTION, MY LISTS by Stephanie Klein1 Comment

In a relationship I try to follow these rules:

• I will try my hardest not to overreact, as I tend to do in life. 
• I will only deal with one issue at a time, without introducing topics or incidents from the past, as hard as it might seem. 
• I will never attack any of his vulnerabilities, or hurt him in order to have the last word by being sarcastic or calling him names.
• I will always respect and keep the trust with which he has entrusted me. 
• I will try to avoid sweeping generalizations like “you always” and “you never.” 
• Before I start in I will ask myself what exactly is bothering me and what do I expect and want him to do about it.  I will offer compromise and think about possible outcomes that would be acceptable. 
I will try to remember that the idea is not to “win” but to be kind and come to a solution we can both live with. 
• Most of all, I will try to improve my listening skills.  I will try to be careful not to interrupt him and to genuinely hear his concerns and feelings.   
•  I will accept responsibility for a problem that I might have with him, realizing that “we” have a problem, not just “you” have a problem.
• I will always be loyal to him and our relationship first and foremost.
• I will always make sure that his needs are being met as long as they are communicated to me.
• I will continually work on letting go of the past to heal my heart and mind.
• I will never, ever, fight with him in front of our children (god-willing)
• Instead of telling him that I am pissed or angry, I will replace it with the more telling emotions of fear, hurt, or frustration.

In the meanwhile, since I’m not in a relationship right now, I’ll try to work on my issue of Insecurity.  My issue, the need to feel love.  The addiction to adoration as my drug of choice.  I wasn’t daddy’s little girl, and to compensate, I became seexually active very young, became a serial monogamist.  Needy for adoration.  When I date it’s not a problem.  My whole life I’ve measured my self-worth with men loving me.  Tripping over themselves to tell me how fabulous I am.  I guess I’m lucky that way.  It’s also a curse because I never learned to feel great about myself without a man… I guess I did… I made myself feel great through other men when my father didn’t make me feel that way.  Still it was never me on my own. 

In my relationships I’ve been very independent yet dependent.  I have my own friends.  I’m active with them.  I have a support network of family and friends who are always available to listen.  I’ve got my own interests of photography, my work, anything creative, and when that all falls short, I use the energy to take care of the person I’m with.  Look up recipes they might like, plan fun dates, or fun surprise gift ideas.  I’m nurturing and understanding, sensitive and emotionally available.  I get dependent (or needy) when I feel insecure.  If we’re fighting or not having seex, I get so crazed to fix things… I think because I’m not getting my way, and I end up acting out to try to get my way.  Or I try to make him feel bad, punish him so he feels as frustrated as I do, because then I think I might get the love and adoration I’m seeking, but through fear.

I wanted to be my ex’s sole attention… even when he wasn’t with me, I wanted him to miss me and think of me often.  I hated when he would say he wanted to do something else like go play golf.  Me me me.  I wanted adoration.  And I punished him when he didn’t give it enough.  And it was never enough, eventually.  And we know how that turned out.  And now, I see myself repeating the same thing.  Less so though because I trust him.  I don’t get jealous if he wants to hang with his friends.  I do care though that he doesn’t necessarily want alone time with me as much as I do.

I have a problem with “recency.”  Only focusing on the past 3 days, fixate on that, and then try to run instead of looking at the universal picture, the us we have been, the he that he has been… and I’m ready to throw it away. 

Comments

  1. This is so relevant to who I am inside and how I act and react in my relationships. I recently got married, and even though I love my husband dearly, the slightest moment I feel I am not given the adoration I want/need/think I deserve, I just attack. But, I have been working on it in the past weeks. This piece, however shown a light on a few things I hadn’t thought of before. Thank you:)

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